Bulimia ruined my life, so why do I want to run back to it
When I was 14 I decided to lose weight. I got made fun off a lot , basically my friends made fun of me being fat. I weighed [edited by Anomalia for weight specifics] when I started to lose weight. One day I felt guilty for exercising then throwing that away by eating a lot. I went and threw it up. I didn't think I would have such a huge impact on my life. I did lose weight, my lowest weight was [edited] and I still wasn't skinny really but everybody noticed my weight loss. I became so obsessed with my weight and lost the only friends I had. I was kinda rude to people and didn't like socializing with a lot of people because having friends drained a lot of energy. I started to hook up with guys and do a bunch of crazy stuff. My self esteem was at rock bottom and I didn't care what I was doing , I just wanted to feel alive. I lost control and did what I told mud e of I would never do. I started binging and I started hating myself so much. Then I met someone who became my best friend. I started drinking , never going home or to School. I gained a lot of weight , my highest being [edited] , now I'm at [edited]. Me and that friend got in fights , I wasn't a good person I admit , it wasn't completely their fault . Anyway I got beat up by two people that were his friends , after that I basically started doing good in school and focusing on getting into a college and raising my shitty gpa which I have, my anxiety has gone away a bit and I'm overall a nicer person. I am sincere now. I realize I hurt a lot of people and wish I could unburn some bridges but I've learned a lot and often times stay up at night trying to find peace in my heart. I'm doing everything I can to better myself. I'm now 17 and looking forward to college but I still have my senior year left next year. I don't really have a lot of friends, I've been trying to lose weight the right way but all this has pushed me to the urges of throwing up again. Losing Weight again and having that feeling and secret no one can take away from me. If I was skinny I feel like I c could raise my head and be happier . I don't know where to run 
If you want, I could help you with losing weight and feeling better about all that's happened. I used to be a sufferer of EDNOS, and had a similar struggle - I could help you get out of it. It's a very frustrating feeling and very difficult to get out of at first, but you'll fly once you have the right mindset and feel ready to move on.
Feel free to message me any time. My inbox is always open!
@jazzisgc
I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling. And, you are not alone in feeling like, even though bulimia was awful to you, you still feel pulled to return. Eating disorders are a bit like an abusive relationship. They do this really sneaky thing—they promise you all kinds things—success, happiness, popularity, freedom from yucky emotions…and maybe they even give you a little hint at first that they are going to make good on those promises, so you believe it. But the reality is, you can have all of those things, you can have the life that you want and dream of, but the eating disorder will not get you there. It will rob you of exactly the things that it lures you with. You can truly and genuinely have success, happiness, and a healthy relationship with your self, your emotions, and others...but returning to the abusive relationship, to the abuser it NOT the way. Stay strong. Take care of YOU, and you will find what you are seeking.
