Every Day.
96.
That's how many outings I missed with my friends when I wasn't first initially diagnoesd with bulimia nervosa. I remember each one I missed, because I would record it in my journal and write about how much food they're probably eating and how much food I had just thrown up. It's sickening to me to think about how proud I was. I was happily pushing my friends away because I was so scared that I would be above 100 pounds.
When I finally got treatment, my friends came to visit me in the hospital. They would tell me about all the things that were happening in school- pep ralleys, fundraisers, football games. They would tell me about the new farmer's market that opened up, and about the new yoga class they had tried. They would tell me about how they found this new lunch spot downtown, and how the when the sun hit the windows just right, the shadows would form a painting on the wall.
And as I lay there, in that stupid bed, with stupid tubes hooked up to my stupid body, I realized how much I was really missing.
There's a lot of life to live out there- there's food I haven't tried, songs I haven't listened to, sunrises I haven't seen. There was so much life to live that I wasn't living because I was too scared of how big my arms looked, or how much my thighs jiggled. I never wanted to miss out on a laugh or a hug or a kiss just because I was too insecure about a body that's supposed to climb mountains, swim oceans, and run miles.
Things get better, I promise. They do. But you have to work at it. You really have to believe in it. You have to do it every day- that's the hard part, you have to do it every single day. But it does get better. And you do catch up.
@danniedukey
Hey, Danniedukey.
I came across this thread you wrote up, and within the first few lines it brought me to tears, it's because I myself have struggled from an Eating disorder, and to hear you express all those situations Bulimia has put you in, such as pushing people away, avoiding social events, scared to weight over a certain number, It's all very much relatable, so that helps cross out the thought "I am alone" because you aren't.. a lot of us here can relate to what you're saying, unfortunately many go through what you're going through, but given the situation you're in, you're showing me what it means to truly have courage in expressing your vulnerability.
I'm happy to hear you got treatment, because you deserved and most needed it. You show people that "Hope" does exist, and no matter how far you sink, there is always space for recovery. In my books, it's not about how long you waste your life in the miserable traps of those ED voices, but it's that moment when you decide "This is ENOUGH." and you're ready to accept yourself, forgive yourself, and work on getting your life back, that's what matters most for me. I hope your journey is well worth it in the end, because this ED has not only taken away a part of life from you, but it has also left you so much more stronger than you were before.
We are all here for you... To give you that extra hand of support when you need it most, I do hope it's not long when you experience the sun again, listen to the music you missed out on, try the food that you've never tried, climb mountains, swim in oceans, and run miles and miles!
