Not exactly sure (TW-ish)

Not really sure how to start it off so I'm just gonna jump right in.

I want to talk to someone about how I feel but I don't even really know how I feel. Its like this messy ball of sadness, anger, anixety, paranoia and just about any other emotion and it is so overwhelming and I don't know where it came from or how to explain it or how to get rid of it and it has just been getting worse.

I have wonderful friends but most of them have their own problems and they go to me for help. I love helping them but I feel as though I cannot talk to them, I'll just make them feel worse and drag them down. One friend has even told me they don't like people (Including me) spilling emotional stuffs onto them, they don't like dealing with it, but they do go and help a lot of people that have emotional problems, I just don't want to bother them. They are all also online friends so I can't exactly help them much.

This is really random but this is kind of a rant thread.. I for a while have been forcefully making myself sick after having food. I know that it is unhealthy and bad and I don't do it often but I feel better after words, its not that much about how I look (Although it is a tiny part) it's more about, I'm not exactly sure. Before the disgust of what I'd done has set in I feel better in a very twisted way that I should not feel, I guess in control? It's almost like when I harm myself, it gives me a sense of relief. (May I add again a very twisted on that I wish not to feel)

I know others go through similar things but I feel alone, I cannot talk to anyone since I don't know exactly how I feel myself, and even if I did its only a bother to them. I've kept my feelings bottled up for so many years now that I'm used to it even if it does hurt in the long run. In short I feel very alone, sad, useless, worthless and over all just not good enough to live. I understand that lives are precious things but mine just doesn't feel so. The only thing that has stopped me from doing anything about my existence is the fact I have friends that have lost so many people already and I just couldn't make them go through another loss (even though me being gone wouldn't be much of a loss)

I'm really sorry for this massive wall of text that may not even make sense. I'm just in a bad place right now and I wanted to get it out without feeling pressured by a 1 on 1 thing and needing to get all I wanted to say out at once.