A Letter To My Eating Disorder-writing activity

This is my personal goodbye letter to my eating disorder

Dear frendo,

I am writing to tell you something very important. I will never forget how you were there for me when I needed you the most. You helped me cope with bad things and bad feelings. You were there when I felt alone. However, I was different back then. I didn't realize that our friendship was toxic. I'm not the same person I used to be and now I have to let go of bad friendships. This is the hardest part for me to do because I relied on you for so long. Sometimes I get confused about what's healthy and what's unhealthy but I'm working on it. I'm building better boundaries. I have learned new coping skills and have better strategies. I will try to use those first. I want to be better even though you always put me down and tell me I can't do anything right. I realized that friends shouldn't say mean things to other friends and I shouldn't say mean things to myself. When you're inside my head I lose the things that matter the most to me. I hurt my real-life friends and family. I don't want to hurt them anymore, I want to do better. I miss out on life because I put our toxic friendship first, above people who really care about me. I think that I'm in control but the truth is that you are always trying to control me. When people grow they have to move on from things that hold them back. You keep holding me back from recovering and this is why I'm saying goodbye for reals this time. I don't regret our friendship because I can't change the past. I can only change the future by making recovery choices. Today, I choose recovery over our friendship.

Your ex-bestie,

Samantha

Dear ED,

You have been in my life for more years than not. I know you more than I know anyone and you know me more than anyone else does. I know you came into my life for a reason...it helped at the time. I would not have accepted you into my life it you had not served some purose. But i hung onto you far too long after you served your purose and now you are just hurting me. You had taken everything from me: health, mental health, friends, family, joy, peace , self estemme, trust in myself and the world. And in it's place was soley you. You who screams at me, critizizing me constantly that I am not good enough, thin enough. That it is sinful to eat, that I have to earn eating - that eating itself was a MORAL issue - i am good if i don't , i am bad if i do. You had called me names for so manyyears that I took over for You and called myself those same names, but this time, it was in my voice. The line between where you end and I start was so far blurred we became ONE. I saw no seperation between you and i, i was You. So to get rid of you was to die. So i fought harder to keep you, even as you were killing me: body, mind and soul.

I see you now. You. Me. Seperate. I lfe My life now yet I can still hear your whispers- do not eat, you must throw it up, go and workoff the calories now, you will get fat, you are a pig, no one loves you. you are worthless, count the calories.....if it were up to you, I would be so consumed with these thoughts, behaviors, actions and rituals that there would be no room for me and again, you would posses me. No me left, just you. But it is not up to you anymore. I saee you, i hear you but i also see me and hear me. Every day is not a battle anymore. And every day I test another one of your lies you told me to find the truth. The tuth is: you had lied. Lied all along.

I am getting me back now. I can not let you leave and you know that - so you linger here, every day. But I put up a wall for you. You are no longer free to roam around within me telling me how awful I am or how I have to listen to you to be okay and good enough. How funny, listen to you to be good enough when all you tell me is how not good enough i am. I accept that you are still here now. But you are NOT in control of me. You are not in the drivers seat. And every time you try - I will test the lies you tell me and find the truth. and each time truth is revealed- you lose your grip on me and i let you go more.

You no longer serve me in the way you once did. I see who I am . I do not believe your lies. I serve me, I fight for me, not you. If you were to go , i would still exist. And in knowing this - I have taken the powert back.

@summertimeSamness I don't think I'm strong enough to write one just yet, but it's a nice idea.

I know this is an old thread. Im just... thinking about it.

Dear ED,

I dont really like being alone very much. You came as many friends do, because it was convenient. We happened to meet, and I started to wonder what kinds of things I could learn from you, what we might be able to do together. Most of the friends Ive made pass in and out of my life, I dont really know if thats a good or bad thing. I honestly thought you would do the same. But I underestimated you, love. I underestimated how much I needed you. I think about you everyday, on the hour. I think about what I am because I met you, I think about who I mightve been if I hadnt. You make me proud, you give me hope. But then you run me through the mud, you remind me that I am not who I want to be without you. I have spent hours trying to get to know you — trying to get to know myself when Im with you. I still dont know what that looks like. I still dont know if Im ready to break up with you... I tell myself Im not in this relationship anymore, but then we reach such euphoria in the highs that I can ignore all the lows. But thats not okay. I want to be done with this kind of relationship. I feel like I need you, but we both know I dont.

Its time for some new friends I think.

With more love than Id care to admit,

Me

Bumping up this thread for ED awareness week!