Can’t tell if I’m just depressed or have a eating disorder...
It’s been a weird life. I never really thought about my weight much growing up. I was probably average until about right after high school when I relaxed more about food. I got into a long term relationship and packed on weight over the span of 9 years. 2019 I was finally a free bird again and slowly started losing weight as I became naturally more active. I was happy but it was still happening pretty passively. 2020 hit me like a brick and one broken collarbone later I went from 168 to 118. I didn’t think to much of it at first. I just wasn’t eating because I wasn’t “feeling hungry” because of the meds and things. I just got used to not eating, hating the feeling of throwing up and feeling nauseated from. I also started dating a partner that was a lot smaller than me in the middle of it all and while they were supportive of my weight they also had expressed that my size made them feel less masculine (we’re the same height). I guess I never forgot that because I started making conscious decisions not to eat so much. I’m starting to realize how little I’ve been eating and how much I still look into the mirror and hate my body. I see myself picking and poking the fat on my stomach and thinking in odd ways looking at food. I feel afraid that something is wrong in the way I’m thinking and processing things.
@calmWater6248 hello! I'm writing you in the late hours, so if anything doesn't make sense just tag me and I will try to explain.
Anyways; As someone always worried about my weight there is some of this I can't grasp. Point is: I know how one damn comment can make it all turn dark and to the bad side. I experienced this in highschool where a girl I thought was my friend made a comment saying: "Didn't you gain weight?"
And developing an ED after a comment like the one you got is terrible. Especially when it's someone close to you. To me, a non-professional, it really sounds like you are starting to develope something at least. In a bad way. Whether it's an ED or something else I can't tell.
But your original quetion was whether you were having and ED or "just" depression. And I say: Why can't it be both at the same time? I have both. Well, I have multiple diagnosis like schizophrenia, depression, anxiety and an ED (possibly OCD too). And it is possible to have both, is all I'm saying. And to me it sounds like you are feeling sad/depressed about your weight, and the comment your partner made just made you feel even worse. Made you feel like you had to change to be "good enough". Correct me if I'm wrong please.
But no matter your weight you are good enough as you is. 118 is a low weight (actually my goal weight, if it helps in any way), and definitely good enough. If you think this is a problem (and you do, bc why would you else write here?) you should go to a doctor and get help. Or try to get a good therapist to talk about this.
Ofc you can also talk to me, if you want to. I have a listeners account for exactly this purpose. If you ever need to talk let me hear, and I will find my listeners account for you 
