Feeling a relapse coming my way
After years of forcing diets and giving up, I started to not eat, not due to my depression as it happen in the beginningbut because of my will to be skinny. Months later, I started to eat too much as opposed to not eating a lot, and gained a lot in just a month. After there was hell, eating, feeling miserable, eating all day, not eating for a few hours, controlling for one day, cracking and eating all. To the point of my dad threatning to take away my money so I wouldn't buy more food. After a year in that routine, I gave up and for 6 months I relapsed and barely ate. Lost weight. Felt wonderful. And then started to gain again, even with eating little and felt miserable. A friend convinced me to recover and so I did. I'm 3 months in recovery. And I want to relapse. I want my stomach empty, my soul crashed and my body slimmer. I just want to be like I was two years ago, "skinny". And this thought won't go away, and my doctors don't believe me, my parents don't really care and they know - they just said "okay" when i told them. And my best friend doesn't understand, or else she'd be more supportive. I just... I want to be in that hell again. Help.
Any reply is appreciated, thank you in advanced.
Its great to see that after being through so many ups and downs in this goal you wish to achieve, you are still fighting through :) Kudos for that ! Well, try to make this goal as the dominating thought in your mind. If you were slim, what would you do ? Like check out new clothes that you'll want to buy, etc. Stay positive. Always. And know that you can do this, its just the matter of time... :)
I don't think you understood... I want to stop eating to lose weight, because I can't eat healthy - i either don't eat or eat the wrong things, it's urges I have that sometimes I can't control. I have been eating a bit too much from what I need to eat to lose weight, and i've only gained so far, so makes me feel awful. And I want to go back to my eating disorder, at least then I had control, now I have none.
I'm sorry, I probably didn't explain myself.
Well, if you make an efffort, in some form, you could start to eat the way you want. Like perhaps maybe joining some diet programor workout program or something similar.. This will keep you busy with the purpose of the goal, and help you keep through, the whole way. :)
I do try to stay fit, but with classes (from 9 a.m to 9 p.msomedays) and having to study and medical appointments, when it's exams and finals I can't exercise, I get stress so I eat more. I was able to keep a program overchristmasholidays, ate controllably well even with some treats, but as soon as exams began injanuaryi lost my track.
I can't go to gym, no time or money. I loved gym. I still do, just can't. And my parents wouldn't let me join a diet program, i've been to a nutritionist if that's what you mean. She didn't believe my eating disorder and triggered me all the time, I ended up relapsing last year due to her rude comments over "eat more (gains weight) eat less (loses weight) eat more (maintains) eat less" and the "you gained weight, you should lose. you lost weight, are you on laxatives?... maintained, can you lose one kg by next appointment?". so no. no more diet programs for me.
I'll try to create a routine, once my holidays are here, but I know that once i reach that stressful time, i'll stop it and feel worse. I do want to be fit, but me on stress is equal to an addicted person to sugar - you ain't going to stop me from going for the sweet and salty. And that triggers my ED thoughts. It has happen before.
Thank you for your comment, i'll try that like I said.
Sorry for the long reply. Bad day.
Well, thats a good plan.. You can implement that, and try doing a bit of exercises on your own during this time. By the time your exams would be done, your body will be more stronger as well. Try doing a couple of push-ups every morning, this really helps to build your upper body strength.. And if you feel like you need to talk, you can always try sending me/any listener here a personal message :)
Being "fit" can mean a lot of things, but above all it starts with loving yourself and loving your body for how it is now, rather than for the ideal you wish for. You ARE lovable the way you are RIGHT NOW.
Here are some thoughts I wrote regarding how to do that:
https://www.7cups.com/forum/MemberSupport_32/GeneralEntries_39/WaitWeightNoMoreHate_16566/