Help me, please.
Hey.
I'm a teenage girl who just turned 15 today.
Despite my young age, I've been suffering from an eating disorder for two years.
To explain, I have some kind of " crises " ( it's not a good word, but I don't know how to say it ). It's often by periods. For a few months, I will eat normally, I will even take a second plate (even if it was very rare at the time) and after a while, I won't be able to eat anymore. I will feel guilty every time I eat.
That was last year.
Since this year, there are no more crises, because I can't eat anymore. I eat very small amounts whenever I can. I avoid all fatty things as much as possible. I can no longer look at myself in the mirror without looking at my stomach or my thighs (I am thin, I don't have any extra pounds). I no longer sit down without telling myself that my thighs are huge.
I used to be able to live with it. But now I can't do it anymore. It's unbearable. I only think about losing weight ( I weigh about 47.5 - 48 KG (French unit) for 1m64 ). To be honest, I want to reach 40 KG, I am aware that it is wrong, but it is stronger than me. I hate my body, I hate myself.
I've gotten to the point where I feel nauseous after eating or worse, I make myself vomit sometimes. I'm clearly at the end of my rope.
Why am I like this? Why do I have this?
I have a huge problem with self-confidence, self-esteem and loneliness. I don't like myself, I don't like who I am, either physically or mentally. I feel like I'm surviving in a world where I don't belong. I feel tired. I sleep, but I feel like I can't sleep. I can hardly stay awake anymore, I just want to stay in bed and do nothing.
I feel like I'm getting worse every day. I've talked to my friends about it, but it's like they forget the next second. I don't know what to do anymore.
Anyway, I'm not looking for a cure. I'm not ready and I'm not mentally strong enough to try to get better. I just want to understand what I have, try to understand me.
Thank you for reading and I hope my English was understandable.
Please please please talk to someone professional. You are going to be so so poorly or worse if this continues. The fact you are reaching out on here shows that you know what you need to do in talking about it. It also shows that deep down you don't want to be like this at all. maybe go and see your doctor and see if they can help you. but please do it. You have shown great strength reaching out on here, you just need to go a step further xx
@Nevee well, first of all, I wanted to say happy birthday :) though it may not seem too happy now...I still wish you a wonderful year ahead for you. I hope you don't mind my long reply
You know, what you're experiencing, the feelings you're having, they are normal symptoms of an eating disorder. The important thing to remember is...this isn't your fault. There isn't anything you've done to make things this way. Disorders are complicated and arise from so many factors. But the important thing isn't why it got to this point, or why you, but what you do going forward. It's not an easy journey, but it is possible.
It sounds to me like there are many things going on in your life, not just negative feelings around eating, but also your self-image. I want to make one thing clear...you do belong. The guilty feelings, the tiredness even when you sleep, the low self-esteem/confidence...these are all most likely related to restricting your eating. Think of it this way, food is the body's fuel, including your brain. Without proper fuel, your brain starts acting in funny ways, putting you down, thinking negatively...it's because the negative ways of thinking are an "easy route" for the brain, it takes less energy. I'm sure these thoughts were here before, every person uses those easy routes from time to time, it may be a factor into why you initially started your eating habits. But the unfortunate part of eating disorders is that they feed into themselves - like a circle.
One thing I want to note, a lot of the feelings you're having are so so SO normal for your age. I think almost every single teen starts feeling negatively about themselves around 13. It coincides with puberty, a lot of things are changing, and they can be hard to deal with, both internally and interpersonally. And, this includes your brain development. You're going through another major change in your brain, which can also contribute to the thoughts you're having, and the habits you've built up to cope with them. And sadly, for some people, these thoughts and habits develop into things that feel overwhelming and 'take control'. Eating disorders often develop at exactly when it did for you, so this is not something that is 'wrong' with you, or that is your fault in any way. It's mental health, which we all experience, in different ways.
But you want to know the positive part of this? It's possible to create new, healthier habits. And it's possible to not feel like you do anymore, to create new ways of thinking that aren't so negative. It's possible to feel better. There is no 'cure' per say, but there is the power within you to regain true control over your life, to not be dragged down by the negative feelings and habits in your life. It's okay to not feel ready yet. But I want to appreciate you reaching out, wanting to understand what's going on better, that's really a wonderful first step. You may not notice it yet, but I think that's the beginning of change right there, just learning more and being aware of what's going on in your life. You don't have to push yourself, but I do hope you continue on this path of curiosity, reaching out, keep talking to your friends (even when they aren't responding as they probably should!), and self-awareness. You're a strong person, you've made it through 2 years of all these feelings, if not more, and though I'm sure you don't feel very strong, the fact you're here and are able to self-reflect, and are looking for some support, shows your strength very clearly to me :)
You may be interested in things such as cognitive-behavioural-therapy (CBT), you may or may not have heard of it before...it can be very useful for the negative thoughts you have, and there are some things you can do on your own as well if you really wanted (it helps to have a professional, or anyone, to help you through, but I think there is some merit to certain activities on their own, such as "reframing thoughts"). There is also no shame in seeking support from a professional, whether it be a therapist, or even if your school has a counselor. Sometimes just having someone else know and care and be there to help you carry this can be so helpful. Whatever the next step is, is up to you, but I really appreciate you sharing your story 
@Nevee
You are a child of our creator and when you take care of yourself, you honor Him. Your story touched my soul because once for a time I didnt feel worthy of thriving. I now understand how my desperation finally brought me prayer and my understanding was what was useless. After I prayed for comfort, and guidance, I opened the bible and radomly picked any spot to read, and these 2 John verses changed my life. I realized I wss trying to hard using my own understanding, and learned fast.
Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. ...
John 15:1-11 ESV / 2 helpful votes
