I always fall back into my habits(Possible tw)

Hi! I've been struggling with my body image and disordered eating for as long as I can remember. I don't feel comfortable explaining them in depth but I've never really know what it's like to have a healthy relationship with food. I remember being 5 and restricting my food intaken and running around the house in order to lose weight as well as constantly weighing myself. I've always felt very outta control of my life, and I turned to disordered eating behaviors in order to cope from a very young age. Somewhere down the line food became "dirty" to me, and I feel crushing guilt and shame for even thinking of eating. I'm very tired of letting my eating disorder control my life. I've skipped several events which could've had amazing opportunities and bonding experiences because I knew food would be there. It's destroyed relationships, my mental health, and my physical health, but it despite that it still brings me a sick sense of comfort. I feel like without it I'm nothing. I'm really trying to fight it, I'm tired of letting my eating disorder control my life, but I always end up back at square one. Does anyone have any tips and/or advice for recovery?