I dont know what my problem is

I'm starting to get tired of the relationship I have with food. I don't fit any eating disorder entirely that I have researched so I dunno if I even belong here but I don't know where else to turn this has been happening most my life but its getting worse and worse every year. I have such anxiety around food. alot of the time if I do eat too much or allow myself bad food I start beating up on myself... there are times few and far between but still it happens that I will end up purging (which I then beat myself up about that) or there are times this leads to more than one day of bad eating which just sends me on a super depressive spiral. ..on other hand many days I will go all day into the evening without eating.If I give in to my growling stomach I feel somehow like a failure. If I do eat im trying to figure out if I've eaten so much im gonna get fatter. There are times I can just eat and allow myself and let it go and other times like today my mother is talking about me coming for dinner and im crying alone bc im so stressed that she is gonna have added butter etc to the food and im gonna stay fat forever. I had knee surgery so I havent worked out in a month which isn't helping my mental health at all but this has been going on for years. There are times when asked what want for dinner it will send me into full blown anxiety attack. I dunno what to do and I don't fall into any disorder that I have found.