I don’t want to fight anymore

I’ve been calorie counting and not eating for days at a time it’s gotten really bad I feel like I’m fighting myself right now for the past couple hours I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’m ok to eat and that I need to eat but the side of me that says I don’t deserve it because I ate on Wednesday and I didn’t deserve to eat so now I can’t eat because I need to punish myself because I ate and that now I have to exercise I want to give in and give up and just let this fight win I feel like the general feeling like this was when I went snowboarding and found out my weight on the page and it freaked me out and now it’s all I can think about I feel like I’m constantly worried about how I look compared to others or how I don’t deserve love or food or how it’ll make me gain weight I feel like I’m falling and I just want to give up I just don’t want to do this anymore part of me just wants to starve myself I don’t want to get out of this hole in a way I just want to curl up in a ball and not be here