I have an ED but I do not know what it is - and I need help to have a normal food/body relationship.

Short history of my eating, lol....

As a child I was overweight.....I remember when I turned to food - I just had this thought that food was my friend and that it would nit hurt me. This was a chaotic time in my life where I was being hurt my family in various ways and bullied in school for being so socially akward ( because I could not handle nor deal with the hurt I was getting from family). So I turned to food as comfort and a friend that would not hurt.

Then - the overeating started. I went from healthy to overweight. I was from late elementary school through high school. And I know, KNOW, that during late elementary and high school I are to make myself unattratctive because it was safer that way - that and my compex crazy realationship with food was already established.

Fast forward to my mothers funeral ( I was 21). She, my mother, had been Very large her whole life and very sick. I did not want to die like her nor suffer like her. Something clicked at her funeral and I decided I would lose the weight no mater what and never end up like her.

This diet "", turned into an all consuming obsessionand fear .....I dietied down to under [edited by Anomalia to remove weight specifics] lbs ( I am sorry if i triggered anyone - I am not meaning to - just need to get my story out). I was hospitilized and sent to treatment. There, diagnosed with anorexia, I learned from fellow clients, hwo to purge - there started years and years of a deep struggle with bullemia.

This bullemia was almost worse, in my opinion, than the anorexia because I literally could NOT stop bing/purging all day long aand all night. I took ipecac in emergencies until I had a seizure in the bathroom floor from it - then came to, and purged some more. Life was out of hand in a different way.

So , I vowed to stop purging....but the problem was - I did not stop , could not stop, the binges. And I think, at one point, I had binge eating disorder ( not diagnosed) - but that was okay - I was focusing on getting rid of purging. But it never really goes away.

My life with food has consisted of cyceling from long term fasting, and b/p, to binges without purging, to overeating, to normalized eating, to overexercising, to restriction, and the weight has jusy yo-yoed INSANE like. I have been underweight, thi, regular weight, overweight and fat. And Never kay with food. Ever. Or my body. Ever.

Right now I am still binging but not every day and all day and it does not meant the criteria for BED, I just dont eat all day and then come home and eat a big meal ( because blood sugar is dropping) followed by guilty eating more than I should. I am tired of this now. But I am so afraid I will just go back to my extremes.

The time has come to be healthy now. To not get back to my lowest weight rather - get down to a healthy and strng weight. But I do not knwo how to do this. I do know that all or nothing thinking is a big block standing in my way. I am ready to let go and try new ways , but to be honest I do nto know how and I also am a little scared - but ready all the same. BUt I need help because I do not know what to do - I do not know how to do this.

So, Yeah, I do not know if i currently have an ED - but my realationship with food and my body has neverr been normal. And I need help. This is honestly so scary to ask for help because of my fear that no one will help me and I will just be ingnored . But here I am anyways, reaching my hand out - I need help.This has been too many years of struggeling and I want out of it now. I deserve the freedom. I get that now.

So, I thank you in advance for reading this ( if anyone does). I thank you for anyone who can relate letting me know I am not alone. I thank you in advance for anyone who will extend their help back to me and help.