I keep relapsing even though I know it makes no sense
I know that being concerned about weight is trivial. I know that my appearance is not tied to my self worth. I know that it's possible to be happy without being super skinny. I know that being underweight is much more dangerous in the long run than being overweight. I know I'm more than my body. Yet I still want to lose weight. It's not even that I don't think these things are true; I just really hate being as big as I am. I'm not sure what else to do to internalize these ideas.
And I know of course I should go about losing weight healthily and blah blah blah but that applies to like. Having an eating disorder in general. But I just don't understand how I keep coming back to wanting to be thinner. I keep thinking I'm ready to recover and put this behind me and then I see my body or get done eating a normal-sized meal for once and it all goes out the window.
I'm not really sure what else to try. I know and even believe all the ideas I listed. I would never ever judge anyone else for being fat. Yet I look at myself and the hatred is just overwhelming. Does anyone have advice for how to get over this?
@itsrory hello there! It's valid that you feel the way that you do, even if you know all these things and think they're true. Sometimes it's stronger than us to feel like we're still wrong or there's something we should improve and I can really empathise with that. From what I hear it's reasonable to think that recovery isn't a single way road, nor does it go straight ahead, sometimes you take a turn, go back a little bit or simply don't know where you're going. I think the point of this analogy is to always keep on moving, in a whatever way you feel makes sense the most. And to not blame yourself for not knowing where to go or still having harsh comments for yourself or moments of doubts. It's all just one step at the time, most of the times. Plus, maybe, it's about finding something else that would make you feel proud or content with who you are, if it's not looking in the mirror it can be anything else you're passionate about and shows you that you're better than the image you have in your head of yourself.
I know this isn't advice, and I truly don't have any advice to give since I truly believe you're the expert on you and your situation but I think what I'm trying to convey is that not only are we sometimes way harder on ourselves than we would be on anyone else, but also, sometimes we still go back to bad habits that we know we don't like. Yet that doesn't make you worth anything less. Maybe it's about thinking, what would you like to be doing in order to feel better? Maybe it doesn't have to be eating a full plate all at once, maybe it's setting smaller goals or telling yourself you're doing your best. I know any way, we'll still be there to support you all along the way 
It's not easy to talk about your struggles so openly so I want to thank you for taking the time to comment today. Sending lots of love your way.
