Impostor
I feel like a huge jerk who wants attention. I know all the horrible affects of anorexia and eating disorders in general, I am terrified by the thought of those things happening to my body, but… I almost WANT to have an eating disorder. Maybe because I want it to be a true struggle and not something Im just making up, but still; I am very ashamed of thinking this way. I still want to restrict even though Ive read all these stories about how bad things can get, the Ill side affects, and how much better it is to fully eat. But I think I really am starting to get into a permanent slump this time; before I would just eat a little less for 2-3 days before going back to my normal eating habits. Today I skipped lunch and I had only a small bit of dinner. Im afraid of things worsening but somehow I want it so happen- and the fact that Im thinking this way proves that Im a horrible person.
@ThePizza You are not horrible Pizza 
@ThePizza - you cannot help your thoughts or your feelings, and they don't make you a horrible person. But you can control the decisions you make. I know that it can be hard not to give into those feelings and let yourself restrict, but as you said, it's a dangerous path and the results are scary. You said that maybe it's because you want it to be a true struggle and not something you're making up - I get that feeling and I've had it, too. But if you're feeling like there's something wrong, then that is enough to count it as a "true struggle". We wouldn't tell someone with cancer not to get help until it's in stage 4, and the same should be true with mental health. No matter what stage it's in, if you feel like you need more support, then that is real and deserves that support.