I'm this

Hi

So I feel like I've lived a long time , seen a lot been through a lot

I'm going off to college soon and my life, although it's constantly changing in important little ways, is going to change dramatically very soon. Something that I've wanted my entire life , freedom from certain people and places that honestly screwed me up

My body doesn't seem to be as excited. Sometimes it feels like I'm physically falling apart. Or "fading away" as my mother says which is like my worsf fear so it doesn't help when she says it. Sometimes I am in constant physical pain and if not it's emotional.

My head feels like it's splitting open, viruses, infections, blindness, heart problems, dehydration, are just some of the things every day

Sometimes I honestly sound and move like an elderly person. And it's similar for a loved one around my age very close to me.

This is because of 2 things

1) I've survived a lot of mental and physical trauma and or am genetically predisposed to certain problems

2) I don't treat myself right.

I know I have more control over the second one

I have been told that's it's amazing my body has survived this long in terms of what I've been through and how crappy I treat it. I'm a survivor.

But finally I feel my body is shutting down more bc maybe just maybe it's like well, now. Now she's mentally stronger maybe she's finally willing to save herself if given the option. Bc I couldn't trust myself to do that before

Am I ready to save myself?

The harder question is am i ready to take care of myself?

The (legal don't worry) alcohol in my system, stints of not eating lunch or that and breakfast every day, make up stained skin, and the UTI would say otherwise

So there's that. And I don't know what to tell you abt it. I know it's not true to say I cant stop. But it feels like that.

I want to live. I am liking myself more and more each struggle I get through. I want to be here for my loved ones.

I watched Russian Doll on Netflix and definitely cried when Ruthie asked/told Nadia something like 'it's ok you wanted to leave her. She was neglectful and abusive. You loved her but we don't blame you.

Darling where is that beautiful part of you, fighting to be apart of this world? Fighting to live?"

Bc when I was little I just wanted to survive. The bad things were the only way I knew how.

I think a lot of girls start things or are forced into things and continue to feel safe, in control, better. Some start with drugs, men, women, anorexia, drinking or other things

I started when I was 11. If I let myself, i would think starving is my oldest friend. But that's not true.

But it's been a part of me for so long. How do I just make it go away???

I started with bones. I had goals and I had requirements that if I didn't meet I would hurt myself or think I would rather die.

Then I also had pictures. My image of myself has always been the weirdest most confusing thing.

I had/have obsessive pictures, skinny skinny, pretty, this is how I look this minute and the next minute and the next. Don't breathe, it makes you bigger.

And more of you is bad.

For so many years. So many nights of getting myself back for a minute and thinking what have I done to myself??? I'm not bad

Then in the morning id do it all over again

It just aches, not like a stinging pain, which i think is fitting.

I got infections I got unexplainable sick days I got semi-interventions if you could call them that

Then it was pills as well. Which doesn't get as bad until I make it, bc I need pain pills pretty much every day bc if I didn't, every day I would be in physical pain with something.

But I liked the way some of my prescription ones made me feel. Like I was freer. I said what I felt and it didn't hurt to think or breathe.

And some of the pills sometimes I just feel like I need them to live with myself. It's a very minor thing so far but if I'm nervous or bored or tired or just want to feel i did it, i do

I haven't told anyone yet bc it's not that bad so far but I know myself and I know where it's going

Not eating at same time isn't great

There was, pathetically, plants in a yard I tried to smoke

Anything in my bag I tried to smoke or take

Not that concerning those

Then there's the drinks and while I'm in my home and with a guardian I know he's the least trustworthy person

Tonight it effected me a lot quicker than the others and that was interesting. At first I felt like I would puke like when I get a migraine like this morning but more dizzy

But then it was fun and things weren't as scary and people were just people

It was nice to be able to say the truth for once

Sex is a whole other thing. I'm generally safe.

But I wouldn't say I'm completely healthy. Like at all bc ive seen some stuff and been through it at one point I guess I was starting to get addicted to that too, last year

I'm just very easily addicted it seems like

Anyhow then there's the mental crap

Intrusive thoughts which lead to dermotillomania which means my skin gets ripped or peeled off..by myself

Its one of my most dreaded things it hurts and it's visible and I'm literally losing parts of myself

Hallucinations , night terrors which are freaking scary especially when they're like past trauma

It didn't start to scare me until a few years ago

Sometimes it sounds so real

So I've made a list, each time I seriously considered killing myself over the past year or so, of why I stay alive

For my loved ones, even for myself

But I need to know why I should take care of myself so here goes:

It freaking hurts, what I'm doing

I won't be able to help people how I could

I deserve to live

I deserve to be heard and listened to

Sleeping is basically the freest time I am if it's not a nightmare so sleeping would be easier

Some food tastes good

I don't want a big liver which results in a large stomach that is the last thing I want

So I think of that scene from Russian Doll (it's funny I've been called that)

And Nadia was trying to get free from her mom and her mom was trying to get free from herself.

I started doing all this bc of what's/whos hurt me. I always want to be free of that.

But now I got to fight myself to live even more than before.

I dont blame my young self for starting all those things to try and find a way to live in an impossible situation. Or even some now.

I don't blame me, but I have to let her go. That part of me that treats me bad.

So right now I'm going to brush my teeth and wash my makeup off and meditate and sleep.