Is it serious?
I don’t really know if I have an eating disorder or not. I have thrown up in the past and when I get sad (recently yesterday), I decide to take it upon myself to make myself vomit. It made me feel better. I also go to the gym and restrict myself from eating because I want to lose weight. My mom always tells me that skinnier girls are prettier girls and I want to be skinny and pretty. Therefore, if I have to achieve this by making myself vomit, I don’t see the problem. I would rather make myself vomit than be fat and hideous. Also, I got my doctor to put me on pills to eat less and I’m hoping to lose a lot more weight from this.
I’m not a professional by any means, but I have gone through something similar. I think the first step is realizing that something is wrong, which I think you have already done. Purging and restricting isn’t healthy, and it won’t make you feel better in the long term. It’s an unhealthy coping mechanism. Also, something I struggled with was feeling like things weren’t bad enough to call my disordered eating an eating disorder, which deterred me from getting help. But you don’t need to meet a certain standard to get help, you’re worthy and deserving of proper care. When you’re there, it can be really hard to see the problem. I know. Would it help to think about what you would say to someone you loved going through this? Or perhaps your younger self? You don’t deserve to be in so much pain that you turn to self destructive behaviors. It must be really difficult having your mother body shame you, and I’m sorry she said those things. No mother should. Her words are her words though, and they do not have to be yours. You are beautiful and worthy. Diet culture is really messed up, and being skinny isn’t synonymous with being healthy or pretty. Just like being fat isn’t synonymous with being unhealthy or ugly. There are so many different people out there in the world and I think that’s what is truly beautiful. I guess my last message to you would be to keep reaching out and searching for support. You made it this far, and I’m really proud of you for it. Sharing can be really hard. Remember, you don’t deserve to be treated like that. Please take care of yourself.
Lots of love and best of wishes,
Ray
