It

I've been new to this community for the past few weeks, but I've never been diagnosed with an ED. Today, I drove 10 hours to see my boyfriend with my mom, and I had an anxiety attack when I found out we were all going to dinner with his family. Just like that, everything came out, EVERYTHING. I told her what's been going on for the past years, what I'm feeling, how I'm in one of the worst episodes of my life, and I hated every second of it.

ive always tried to bring up my anxiety about food to her, and she's noticed I maybe have only been eating a small salad a day. It never really concerned her, so I never wanted to tell her the truth. I knew she wouldn't get it and she didn't. "You just have to eat something" she told me. As many of you know, it's not that simple, it's not under my control. I'd rather starve than face the anxiety.

since telling her, everything has blown up. I can't afford this on the week I get to see my bf. The voice in my head is really taking over. "You have room to lose x pounds", "eating just isn't worth it anymore", "you don't have a problem". I know I have a problem now, but for some reason I don't want to fix it, the anxiety would be too much.

for my vacation, I plan on eating just enough to keep myself under the radar. I know I'm going to hate all of it, will be shaking, heart racing, nauseous. It's already ruined my vacation.

thank you all for listening, I truly hope others are doing better than I am