I think I have an eating disorder (I'm new here)
Helloo I am new here and don't really know how this works, but I need someone to talk to and understand. I think I have an eating disorder and don't know what to do. I have struggled with disordered eating and body image issues on and off since 5th grade (I'm currently 17), but the shit really hit the fan about 5 months ago. I was at my highest weight after going through a massive depressive episode and suicide attempt. I felt like absolute shit about myself and thought I would feel happier if I lost some weight. So I started right off with eating [edited] calories a day and kept eating less and less. I dropped [edited] pounds in less than three months by eating between [edited] calories a day. Since then I have slowly started to eat more because my health was scaring me and I was somewhat happier with my body. I have been high restricting for the past few months and have lost another [edited] pounds. I have tried multiple times to eat normally, but it's impossible. I am OBSESSED with food. Always thinking about what I'm going to eat next, calories, and constantly thinking about my body and doing body checks. I also got really into cooking because I'm terrified of other people cooking my meals. I am not underweight (bmi of [edited]) but I have lost a shit ton of weight. My health is deteriorating. I have lost about half my head of hair in the past 2 months (I used to have lots and lots of thick, curly hair) and every time I shower clumps just fall out and it's terrifying. I have also developed heart palpitations and am constantly dizzy/weak and emotionless. I have all of these weird food rules and I am constantly planning my meals. I honestly don't think I will ever be able to eat normally again. I feel trapped and alone and I am so afraid of anyone finding out because I don't want anyone to stop me. Sorry this is so long, and if you happen to read this, thank you so much for listening.
[edited by Anomalia to remove calorie / weight specifics]
@Ericka17
Proud of you for sharing your story. You are brave and it takes alot of courage to post it. You aren't alone in this struggle. A big step in realizing something is wrong is like how you said your health is detoriating so you know something about your tthoughts & behavior right now is not healthy. You also said you don't want to stop and that's a huge part of having eating disorders. Like you know it's bad for you but at the same time it's a security blanket that helps you cope. A big part of recovery is finding balance to uncover the issues that stop you from having a healthy relationship with food. Just know that you dont have to go through this alone and it always helps to build a support network of accountability because eating disorders love secrets. While recovery thrives on honesty about ED thoughts/behaviors. I beeleaf in you and your personal recovery <3<3<3
Pssst my PM's are always open for support
@Ericka17
from what I have come across in my personal studies , it sounds a lot like you have avoidant/restrictive eating disorder.
I know of people who also have gone through the same thing you are , I have also been down a similar path.
there is always help available , its a well known disorder .
The best help I think someone like you needs , (personal opinion) is to start developing a healthy relationship with food. You would really Benifit from trying some healthy diets , raw / natural / unporcessed foods.
you will see its much more satisfying being able to reach for an apple and eat it knowing its good for you and your body and it wont make you get fat, so dont worry , dont count calories, start eating real foods from nature and you wont have to restrict what you eat , count calories , or obsess .
I use to be afraid that even fruits and veggies could make me fat , thing is , once you start eating them and seeing they arent going to make you fat , and you can have them without worrying about your image , and also know that they are GOOD for you and your body. They also can make you more beautiful ;) add a glow to your skin and help the hair problems you have.
Try to get proteins like lean chicken in your diet too , dont worry , try it , you dont have to starve yourself and worry so much !
and remeber this world will always show you images of things that arent real , and for most people unnataiable. Stop worrying about what the world wants you to look like and see that if you love yourself , Te right person will love you too , its better to be loved for what you are then hated for what youre not .
