My Struggle - Poem - By Joy

I am struggling and i have tried to be as open as i will allow myself to be about how i am feeling at the moment. For general purposes i will say a...

------------TRIGGER WARNING-----------

Read at your own risk.

Sat hidden in the corner, staring into space,

No positive feelings - Tears roll down my face.

I have messed up so much, made a horrible mistake,

Swallowing a mouthful of food makes me gain weight.

I try to fight and ignore the thoughts that scream so loud,

I force myself to eat hoping I will feel proud.

I do for a moment but it quickly disappears,

Into a deep dark whole that is truly feared.

Looking in the mirror i see an unforgivable sight,

An unrecognisable figure who can no longer fight.

The beast in my head are taking control,

Happiness and normality is what they stole.

The beast is strong, powerful and scary,

God how i wish i was being tormented by a fairy.

It speaks to me - convinces me what is right and wrong,

I tried to ignore them for oh so long.

Now i cant help but to listen and believe,

That they'll help me reach a goal and achieve.

If my skeleton shows i will be feeling pretty and happy,

Deep down i know its unhealthy and ill feel crappy.

They used to be urges and now are actions,

I try and try to use distractions.

I run to the bathroom and sit by the loo,

Not forcing just waiting to see what my body will do.

I want to rid of anything inside my tummy,

I dream and remember when food was yummy.

I scream for help but to scared to accept,

Theyll make me eat and intercept.

The comfortable normal of skipping meals,

I'm trying to find words to express how it feels.

Trapped, scared, frightened and lost,

For me to get help, what will be the cost?

Thankyou for reading

- Joy <3