My illness is lying to me
I went away for a week to a retreat where we were served 3 meals a day. They were all very healthy meals and I ate mostly salads, but the second I got back home I started to panic, just knowing that I must have gained all this weight back (I wasn't able to weigh myself all week). I weighed myself this morning and I've actually lost X more pounds. My illness tells me that there is absolutely no other way to lose weight than to restrict and I just can't wrap my mind around the idea that I was able to lose weight just by eating healthy meals.
@Kgauthier12
I'd like to tell you what I really admire about your post: It shows how far that you've come. To be able to say that you're taking risks to try and prove what your illness tells you isn't the truth and that you're trying new things to really learn how to be healthier - wow! That is really something to be proud of.
The more you practice bravery like this - the smaller that voice of your illness will become. Feeling really proud of you for this realization you've had. Way to go!
@TaraJean thank you so much for your support! Even though I haven't been able to keep up those eating regiments now that I'm home the experience has at least helped me sort through some of my disordered thoughts and keep pressing forward with my recovery
@Kgauthier12, my pleasure!
On the road to healing and making ourselves healthier, it can be a long and slow road. I can understand how one step forward might not seem like much when you feel like you still have a long ways to go.
It helps me sometimes to think not as much of the big picture/overarching goal (i.e. Learning healthy behaviors while battling ED) but instead celebrating each little goal accomplished (recognizing negative internal talk). Those little goals add up, and before you know it, you're where you want to be. It's like going to school - you take several classes over time but eventually they all add up and you have a diploma.
If you were to think of several small goals in fighting your ED, what do you think those might look like?
@TaraJean it would be nice to be able to sit down an eat a meal without feeling guilty. Especially if I'm eating by myself (it's much easier when I have others around me eating too)
@Kgauthier12
This is a great step to take and I especially love that you've identified a specific factor that would help you in accomplishing this step: knowing that it helps to eat around others. That's a great distraction technique - a nice tool to utilize when you're fighting negative thinking. It helps keep your mind preoccupied for a little while.
So if your goal this week is to "eat more around others to help transition me to feeling less guilty about eating/food" let's think of how you can accomplish that. Research shows the clearer we are in setting goals for ourselves, the more likely we are to meet them. Here are some questions if you'd like to consider:
Think of how many meals you'd like eat with others in the next 7 days. Ex. I'm going to eat at least two meals in the next 7 days with other people.
Think of when it's ideal to do this: (ex: I know on Saturday I'll have brunch with friends so that's convient, then on Monday I'll see if I can eat dinner with my Mom. So Saturday at brunch and Monday at dinner)
Decide how confident you are about this plan: On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being you have no confidence and 10 having the highest level of confidence - what number would you give your confidence in the above plan.
It's totally up to you if you'd like to do this. If you decide you'd like to try please tag me to let me know what your answers are. I'd love to hear it and check in later about how it goes for you.
@TaraJean thank you for the advice, specifics always help. The issue with this is often my schedule, I work a lot or have other plans going on and I'm rarely home, and I don't like spending money to go out to eat either. I talked to my therapist about it and she suggested asking one or two friends that I trust to come over and help me make food (since the making it part is hard for me, I do better with something that I can grab before I have to think about it). This is something I want to do, it just makes me nervous and reaching out can be hard. I also don't want it to seem like a weird request.
@Kgauthier12
Okay, I see and can understand. It's wonderful that you're so dedicated to this process to be more healthful. I'm glad you're working with a professional to help you through this difficult transition. That can take a lot of courage. You demonstrate a lot of wonderful strengths here and that will help you out tremendously on your journey! Great work so far. :)
@Kgauthier12
Absolutely awsome job being able to detach from your eating disorder like this for a whole week! I hope you feel proud of yourself. Its really great that you're questionig what it sais - this way its grip becomes loose.
@blueSkies1363 thank you for your message. Unfortunately I wasn't able to put aside my disorder completely while I was gone, I was able to eat regularly and healthily but I struggled with a lot of guilt for it, but I've been doing my best to try and see that eating is a good thing
@Kgauthier12 I love this post so much. Thank you for acknowledging the way you felt and sharing about it. It shows that your self awareness means something to you! Keep taking care of yourself