My illness is lying to me
I went away for a week to a retreat where we were served 3 meals a day. They were all very healthy meals and I ate mostly salads, but the second I got back home I started to panic, just knowing that I must have gained all this weight back (I wasn't able to weigh myself all week). I weighed myself this morning and I've actually lost X more pounds. My illness tells me that there is absolutely no other way to lose weight than to restrict and I just can't wrap my mind around the idea that I was able to lose weight just by eating healthy meals.
@Kgauthier12
I'd like to tell you what I really admire about your post: It shows how far that you've come. To be able to say that you're taking risks to try and prove what your illness tells you isn't the truth and that you're trying new things to really learn how to be healthier - wow! That is really something to be proud of.
The more you practice bravery like this - the smaller that voice of your illness will become. Feeling really proud of you for this realization you've had. Way to go!
@TaraJean thank you so much for your support! Even though I haven't been able to keep up those eating regiments now that I'm home the experience has at least helped me sort through some of my disordered thoughts and keep pressing forward with my recovery
@Kgauthier12, my pleasure!
On the road to healing and making ourselves healthier, it can be a long and slow road. I can understand how one step forward might not seem like much when you feel like you still have a long ways to go.
It helps me sometimes to think not as much of the big picture/overarching goal (i.e. Learning healthy behaviors while battling ED) but instead celebrating each little goal accomplished (recognizing negative internal talk). Those little goals add up, and before you know it, you're where you want to be. It's like going to school - you take several classes over time but eventually they all add up and you have a diploma.
If you were to think of several small goals in fighting your ED, what do you think those might look like?
@TaraJean it would be nice to be able to sit down an eat a meal without feeling guilty. Especially if I'm eating by myself (it's much easier when I have others around me eating too)
@Kgauthier12
Absolutely awsome job being able to detach from your eating disorder like this for a whole week! I hope you feel proud of yourself. Its really great that you're questionig what it sais - this way its grip becomes loose.
@blueSkies1363 thank you for your message. Unfortunately I wasn't able to put aside my disorder completely while I was gone, I was able to eat regularly and healthily but I struggled with a lot of guilt for it, but I've been doing my best to try and see that eating is a good thing
@Kgauthier12 I love this post so much. Thank you for acknowledging the way you felt and sharing about it. It shows that your self awareness means something to you! Keep taking care of yourself
