Punishing Myself...Losing Joy
Not 100% sure if this is an eating disorder or just depression & anxiety.
When I don't feel like I'm doing good in life, I stop eating.
I lose my appetite. I couldn't afford to eat for the longest time and have been on survival mode. I'm back to being unemployed and attempting to receive food assistance again... I have (partial) assistance but need to complete the rest.
The sad thing is, I used to ENJOY cooking.
It was fun, and I love cooking for son and seeing him enjoy the food. I'll still cook for him, but not really for me. I get told my cooking is good, but I HATE my own cooking and don't eat it much unless I really have to ...
Sometimes, I hate myself SO much that I just don't feel like eating and if I eat, I purposely eat junk food(that I don't exactly enjoy, I actually hate junk food to be honest) because I feel like that's what me and my body deserves...
I'm skinny, and tired of it.
I was a weightlifter, I LOVED when I had muscles, but I lost it after I moved to this particular city, got in relationship with abusive ex, called cops on him, and lost temporary custody of son for a year(he's back now).
I didn't want to eat anymore... I didn't want to do hobbies anymore.
I still feel like absolute dogsh*t because I had to quit my job recently (son was in the hospital, was told I don't get to make the schedule and to choose between the job OR leave, I left and they panicked).
I used to be skinny too, back when I lived with my dysfunctional parents. They were physically & verbally abusive. I was told I'd get "man shoulders" if I continued to do weightlifting... I started my last year of senior high weightlifting up to my college years.
It brought me a lot of joy.
I can't weightlift though without eating right.
I also have a back problem from getting hit by a car some years ago and also from my ex for physically hurting me...
So, it feels like a few of my joys in life are gone...
I'm going to try hard to get employed again (I really don't want to file for unemployment, but I have to, I need to for my son's sake).
I've job hopped based on son's illnesses and having to go to hospital, the job not paying me on time, ex being abusive, and micromanaging...it's only been like this since moving to this city/state. I feel depressed being here...
But through this depression, I just BARELY made some friends with people I sincerely like.
I have the option to move back to home state with abusive mother, who still acts *** towards me but I don't want to go back...I'll probably check a shelter first before moving back.
My goal really is to move to a specific country in Europe, but I won't get there anytime soon at this rate...
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t know if it is an ED or depression, but the two are often comorbid. ED’s are also rather common in the weightlifting community, but not in this way…just saying they do coexist. Many with ED’s love cooking, especially for others, too. We often use our bad behaviors as a form of self punishment, whether consciously or subconsciously. So it isn’t unreasonable that you may have one, but this also sounds like depression as well. And, again, it can be both.
Like you, I had an injury that ended a lot of physical things for me, including any hope of competitive bodybuilding (I didn’t care that people were sometimes judgmental due to me being female…the good people will be supportive). I am permanently disabled from my time in the US Marine Corps. I was morbidly obese and worked really hard to get in shape for the military, and had succeeded. Then the military, my hobby (bodybuilding), and my health were all taken from me. I had a very hard time dealing with this. It was the darkest time in my life.
After the military separated me, I did have the option to move in with my terrible mother to get back on my feet. I opted instead for my estranged father; this was not better, and I ended up homeless. Even THAT was better than living with my mother (but I don’t have children). So from my experience, it is better to do things the “hard way” (such as a shelter) than to do things the “easy” way and move back in with a person you know is bad for you. I knew if I moved in with my mother, it would be the end of my independence and possibly my life.
I also ended up moving abroad. I have lived abroad for over a decade. I am much happier. I did it through a work program and recommend the same. I had to finish my degree to stay in the program. Others require you to reach a fluency in the local language (as applicable), or to meet other qualifications. This can be annoying but it is also a good way to push me to get things done.
I’m in a much better headspace mentally. I started living again, too. While it wasn’t the bodybuilding I wanted, it is something. I can still see my muscles grow. I still have depression and my ED, but without all that extra stress things are easier to manage. You learn to manage the stressors, too, so they seem less life-altering.
I wish you the best during this situation, and I hope that our similar situations show that there is light at the end of this dark tunnel.
Wow, @ProcessingMitchell, I sincerely appreciate your response.
It's nice to find others who can relate, especially to this specific situation
It's good to hear you're in a much better space now.
I'm definitely looking into a DV Shelter, as that was my original plan anyways, but my 2nd older brother offered me to stay for free, but he's leaving soon, which is fine, because I need to be on my own. I think being at the shelter will also help me have a routine (while I'm unemployed....). I currently go to DV Support groups and it's been...OK.
I'm also looking into getting a Holiday Work Visa, but haven't got to it yet. I have family in different places around the world and fluent in both Spanish & English. I speak a couple of other languages, but I cannot say it is conversational. I want to go to Spain and apply there. I'm trying to see if I can get citizenship through inheritance. My great grandfather was born in Spain, but immigranted to a Latin American country.
The only problem too is having the money to move... My ex's sister illegally claimed my son on her taxes, so now I have to fix it... It's $6,000USD that could be helpful for the time being, but now delayed because of her... She'll get penalized though once I fix these taxes...
I'm just frustrated that it's always one problem after another...and I don't have anyone in real life to really talk about it with.
My family looks down on me, and I don't...really have a lot of friends and also do not want to ask for too much help, or I'll end up being a loser leach(regardless of my intentions being good, I still think it'll be a burden to them if I ask).
Idk sorry, I'm rambling again.
But I seriously thank you for the comment.
I feel less alone, and I feel more motivated to try.
You are absolutely free to message me anytime you like!!
if you’re having trouble with the work visa, see if you can swing a student visa. Maybe not necessarily to Spain, but places that speak Spanish like Equatorial Guinea, might be an interesting adventure if you can do it! Totally different from what you were thinking, but that kind of change might be what you need. May also be easier to swing an English teacher position there, too!
Hello, I think we have to have a listener account to message. :(
I don't have a listener account.
I'm currently not a student, but have thought about going back to school to finish my CE degree. I want to go to Singapore if I did have student visa. My mandarin is basic, but trying to improve it.
Ah, that is true! I could try to apply as an English teacher! They'd actually be pretty fun....