Relapse

Hi. I started having problems with my weight and under eating in July of 2018. By December I wouldn't eat all morning and afternoon and would eat dinner with my family. After dinner, i would blame myself for being weak and throw up. The next day I would exercise more and eat less to make up for my failure. My family didn't even notice because I just told them I was brushing my teeth. My sister and friend have eating disorders too, so I just focused everyone's attention on them and no one cared what I did. I developed depression and a self harm disorder on top of everything else. In February, I wrote a suicide note and was about to take a slew of pills when my mom called me to watch a movie. The next day, I vowed never to hurt myself again. I've stumbled, but never this bad. Yesterday, I did physical fitness testing in PE and dos the pacer test. I had a complete breakdown, but lucky for me my hidden talent is crying without making a sound. No one even knows it hurt. Anyway, I ate a whole tub of ice cream and threw it all up. I also redownloaded my calorie counting app and only ate 1000 calories to the required 1800. I can't stop. Every time I look in the mirror I get fatter even though the scale says I'm skinnier. It's been months since I hit rock bottom, and I'm back where I started. I just don't know what the point is anymore. When I look at food I see the number. The numbers won't go away. They haunt me like the numbers on the scale.