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PorcupineRay
1,410 M Little Steps 4
PathStep 27 Compassion hearts42 Forum posts40 Forum upvotes59 Current upvotes59 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2024 Member sinceDecember 29, 2018
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Restraining Order: is it worth it?
Relationship Stress / by PorcupineRay
Last post
 January 19th, 2024
...See more My ex and I broke up 7 months ago because he was admitted to a mental hospital and went virtually no contact. We lived in similar housing at college and sometimes saw each other but it wasn’t really a big deal, or so I thought. We ended up at the same hangout in a friend group and he kept acting strange then eventually disappeared. I thought it was weird but it was none of my business. That night my RA woke me up in the middle of the night saying his phone was dying and no one could find him. The only hint he gave was about a place we used to go together. He was in a really dark place. He ended up trying to kiss me no matter how many times I said no until I used the safe word we used to have. There was a person who was supposed to be watching from a distance but they couldn’t see where we were at the time. I got him to move to a more visible place and he said living without me hurt so bad that he wished I didn’t exist. I don’t think it was a threat but I think about it a lot. In the days that followed he said nasty things to and about me many times but nothing that bad. In one of those breakdowns we ended up calling the administrators of our housing and they called his parents. He went home and then dropped out. He came back and apologized but we stayed 3 or more feet apart at my insistence and had a chaperone. He said he’s better but his condition has episodes and is treatment resistant. He calls me his obsession and says it’s linked to OCD which only scares me more. one night I had such bad anxiety that he was going to come or manipulate someone to come find me that I hid in my closet all night (small spaces are comforting to me). I can’t hear his name without panicking and double take whenever I see people who have the same build. I had to move out of my housing to feel safe and I have a new boyfriend now but he still comes into town to see friends and since we’re non contact I never know when and honestly I don’t want the anxiety of knowing. I want to feel safe again but I don’t know if it’s bad enough to even think about a restraining order. The campus police offered to talk to me tomorrow but I don’t know if I’m wasting their time or gaslighting myself. No one in our friend group knows what happened and they all still look up to him. The administrators put us on a hush order for his privacy since it was a mental health problem so I have virtually no input. I feel dramatic but I want to forget this ever happened. Should I go talk to them tomorrow or just try to move on like he did? Am I crazy to feel unsafe even though he doesn’t go to school with me anymore?
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How to tell support system about a relapse?
Self-Harm Recovery / by PorcupineRay
Last post
 April 25th, 2023
...See more Hi! I recently relapsed. I was almost 3 years clean so I’ve really been beating myself up over it. I’m also paranoid because I think I’m too numb to it and it’s getting dangerous. I’m worried it’ll get infected or something and that’s how my family will find out. My mom acts like it physically hurts her. My dad acts like I’m a genetic mistake. He’s hidden everything he thought could be dangerous before like it could help. My friends are totally fine with it because it’s in the past and Im like a success story. That’s not the point though. The point is, I have all these people that thought I was better and I’m not and I don’t know how to own it. I’m going back to therapy and they know that but they don’t know why. I was thinking of telling a friend I think will have a more neutral reaction first to ease into it and building up to a personal mentor before my parents. Im so worried that my injuries will get infected and decide for me. Any tips for treating burns? They aren’t my usual and it’s stressing me out a lot.
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Sister’s mental health vs mine
Family & Caregivers / by PorcupineRay
Last post
 August 14th, 2022
...See more My sister has had declining mental health for years. I was 12 when it first started. She has explosive anger and breakdowns that I can’t keep up with because she needs support in different ways and is non communicative. Her most recent diagnosis is Autism, ADHD, depression, and anxiety. She can lash out physically at these times too. This type of anger runs in the family so I’m relatively well equipped now to navigate their situation. However recently she’s gotten much worse. It seems each new diagnosis justifies her behavior in her head and bolsters her reactivity. Today was my last day before college and I just left an intensive study program so I’ve been stretched thin but I rearranged my schedule to go out to lunch with her and my family. She decided to bring her service dog whom I haven’t seen in months and was not trained at all upon seeing last. She cried and ignored me the whole car ride when I tried to ask if she wasn’t prepared to go to the restaurant or if she didn’t want to go but this is a relatively typical interaction. We sat down fine and my father asked if he should watch the dog while she went to the buffet. She had a full meltdown with screaming and crying and everything. Mind you, she’s a nearly 21 year old woman so the entire restaurant was staring. I have social anxiety, which I have worked very hard to get under control but between the dog and her actions I was freaking out. I tried to voice that I wasn’t comfortable to my mother and she told me to deal with it. We ended up leaving the restaurant without eating. I tipped the waiter anyway because I felt so horrible. I feel like a horrible person for being angry at her but I don’t know what’s happening with her and I don’t agree with her diagnosis because I grew up with her and autism doesn’t manifest at 21. Not only that but I didn’t even matter because her emotions were the only thing that existed. I don’t know if I can handle the whole service dog thing and I’m really uncomfortable all the time but don’t know how to tell her. It seems like my anxiety doesn’t mean anything anymore because I worked hard on it. I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions/perspectives?
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Is it selfish to break up with my boyfriend
Relationship Stress / by PorcupineRay
Last post
 July 2nd, 2022
...See more I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 months. We’ve been long distance for almost half of that time. Ever since we were long distance I started losing feelings. I feel horrible about it. He’s nice and kind, and he wants a future with me. I just don’t know if I want one with him anymore. I feel like I’m leading him on. I don’t want to stay with him just because I don’t want to be alone. We disagree on some fundamental things as well. Basically, we’re both going off to college soon and we would be long distance for at least four years, let alone my career goals to work abroad. I don’t know what to do. Am I being to impulsive? I can’t think of what would need to change in order for me to be happier in the relationship either. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t find him as attractive as I did in the beginning and he feels more like a friend. Saying that I love him can feel like lying and I hate myself for it. I would never cheat and have no prospects to, but I can’t help but be unhappy with how my relationship is right now. I really need some advice.
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How much is too much
Trauma Support / by PorcupineRay
Last post
 March 24th, 2023
...See more Hi, I’m 17 and lately I’ve been having troubles with my dad. He would never physically discipline me when I was little. The first time he did, I must’ve been ten or so and complaining about an extra chore taking too long (we had been working for 45 minutes and I was tired and in a bad mood). That’s when he spanked me with a work glove. I didn’t think much of it until recently. In the last 6 months, he’s hit me twice and raised his hand at me maybe 4 times. I’m not super nice to him because he’s pretty absent in general and works a lot but normally I treat him with neutrality. Of course, he hates this. It seems like every time we fight now he tries to physically do something like block my path, hit me, stand too close for intimidation (he’s much taller than me), or something along those lines. I tried to get my mom to help but she won’t even though she “understands why I’m upset”. He hasn’t apologized either. He apologized for one instance but for nothing else. I’m not a child and can stand up for myself, which is what I think he dislikes as well, but I’m not sure where the line is. It’s also particularly distasteful because my oldest sister used to hit and throw me all the time to the point of knocking me out, breaking my nose, throwing objects at me, or throwing me onto concrete. It got to the point where my mom had threatened to call child protective services on her more than once. She never did anything though and couldn’t bring herself to choose between her children even if that meant I wasn’t safe. A wild temper runs in the family. Both my sisters and father are quick to anger and like to take it out on the family. My mother is generally accepting of this as it’s “just how they are.” Basically, this is a problem we’ve had before and it seems to be becoming a reoccurring problem with my dad. I’m moving out soon but I’m genuinely unsure as to where the line is for isolated bad behavior and a pattern of behavior. I know my sister crossed it, but has my dad? What do I do as someone who lives with him?
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Relapse
Eating Disorder Support / by PorcupineRay
Last post
 February 9th, 2022
...See more Hi. I’ve never been formally diagnosed but my last counselor suggested I probably had one and wouldn’t diagnose because it wasn’t her specialty. I’ve been doing okay the past year. Only a few relapses and they were isolated but over the last month it’s been getting more and more frequent. I have been really insecure. I have a boyfriend and he is the most loving, affectionate, and amazing guy I’ve ever met. I keep wanting to be skinny for him. He doesn’t ask. He loves me the way I am but my brain keeps tugging at me. He even helps me not restrict sometimes which I really appreciate. I keep throwing up and I actually feel really sick right now because of it. I don’t know what to do. Does anyone have any tips for building confidence or getting rid of nausea? I want to put in the work I’m just struggling right now.
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Urges to relapse, need advice (TW)
Self-Harm Recovery / by PorcupineRay
Last post
 September 4th, 2021
...See more For reference, I’ve been sober for just over a year and a half. I went back to school this august, and the thoughts came back with it. I’m constantly fighting them off and it’s getting worse. I know that I’m falling off the wagon but I don’t know how to catch myself. I also know that it’s all because of school. I don’t know what to do. I can’t get out of it, and I can’t seem to catch a break. I was in such a good place before and it seems like I’m losing so much progress. I don’t know how long I can hold off these urges. Any advice to keep the urges at bay (other than dropping out of school)?
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How to deal with triggers? (TW)
Eating Disorder Support / by PorcupineRay
Last post
 September 4th, 2021
...See more I have been rather sick as of late with something the doctors can’t figure out (but isn’t contagious) and one of the main symptoms is loss of appetite. I suffered with a combination of Anorexia and Bulimia on and off for the past two years and had just re-entered recovery about 3 weeks before this all happened and about two months from today. I’m a relatively normal weight and extremely active, strong, and overall healthy most of the time. I play multiple sports and do weight lifting, jogging, and hiking as a pastime (not as an extension of my eating disorder). My muscle mass makes me appear larger than some other girls and my family, specifically my dad and sister have poked fun at my weight my entire life. Even though I’m one of the healthiest people in my family now, they still compare diets and disordered eating habits in front of me, urging me to try them or acting shocked at how much food I served myself even if it’s a normal portion. I’ve come to terms with this, but what’s been bugging me has to do with my recent illness. I was talking with my father about how difficult it is to be starving without a que for what you want to eat and a visceral disgust to food (this is purely physical and even foods that I love or would binge on are unappealing now). It was making recovery and staying healthy very difficult as my sports season starts and I’m getting more exercise which is causing me to drop weight far faster than I ever would when I wasn’t restricting. He responded that he had been having trouble with his new diet too and cutting calories can be hard sometimes. I clarified that it wasn’t a diet and was disruptive to which he responded that maybe my body was responding to finally getting exercise and going outside by lowering hunger cues (it started before my sport). He then finished by saying I should follow them. I expressed concern about passing out on the field if I did that and he said I might want to eat a piece of bread before games just in case. He was suggesting I eat nothing except a piece of bread and then exercise for 3+ hours. He said that I have stores of fat for a reason and my body knows what it’s doing. He then said that we could go to the doctor if I got too skinny. He basically said it was okay because I’m fat. I don’t know how but he seems like he hates the way I look more than I could hate myself. I don’t know what to do. I’m miserable and I don’t know how to be sick and in recovery at the same time. They seem more mutually exclusive every day…most of all, I don’t know how to deal with the constant body shaming or get them to stop talking about diet around me. I can’t get away and they’ve ignored me when I brought it up before because they said they will talk about whatever they want and how I take it is my problem. Any advice?
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