Relapsing- need help please
I'm relapsing into my ED. I was up all night obsessing over checking my body and today I've barely eaten. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed about my behavior. I need to tell my therapist about it tomorrow but I'm really embarrassed and don't want to stop what I'm doing. All I can think about is how fat I feel and that I need to do whatever I can to lose weight. But I also feel desperate for support. Can someone relate and any advice?
@Tessie87 I am so sorry you are struggling with a relapse.It must be very hard for you. But reaching out and realizing that you need help shows that you are committed to getting better. While I can't give you advice I would love to talk this through with you.
@BeyondThis
Thank you so much for your supportive words. I'm really angry at myself right now for willingly deciding to engage back into behaviors. I think it is because of a combination of the stress of the pandemic, my high stress job, recent diet changes I was encouraged to make my a holistic doctor because he thought I have low blood sugar issues contributing to my anxiety and depression, and continuing to gain weight until it felt overwhelming. This started with making healthier choices with food and eating more frequently. But it's become very obsessive and the urges to do ED behaviors are so strong.
@BeyondThis
I'm trying to find you to follow up like we talked about last night but our chat history disappeared and I can't find you anywhere?
@BeyondThis I've been trying to reach back out to you but our old conversation keeps disappearing. I found you just now and requested to chat but the app said I'm not allowed to request a conversation with a teen listener?
Please try and be calm and know we are here for you. It is a complicated disorder to conquer and only you can do it, and we are here to support you. Be in the moment (I know you know this) and know it is temporary. I know it does not feel that way. Letting go is the moment of freedom. I hope you get there.
@Kurt789
Thank you so much for saying that! You're right, it is a very complicated disorder and it doesn't feel temporary. But I think this relapse is reminding me of the more painful things about having an ED and why I want to continue to work on recovery.
@Tessie87 I'm so sorry to hear about the relapse. But you're absolutely right, the relapse reminds you of the negative side to the illness and it's definitely something you should focus on as a reason to stay on your path to recovery. I still am struggling with anorexia and am slightly relapsing because of the lockdown and lack of activity but I remember the immense hair loss and weakness I felt, which reminds me that I need to be healthy and keeps me going. If I can do it, you can too. Don't lose sight of the better (healthier) picture hon. It's tough but you got this 💪.
@CaffeineChai Thank you so much for your kind words and support. Yes, the lockdown wasn't triggering my ED until more recently, but now it definitely is. I am sorry you are struggling too and I wish you well in your recovery ❤️
@Kurt789 Thank you, I really appreciate your support! I told my dietician about the relapse and I'm really scared that she's going to ask me to let go of control in ways I'm not ready to yet. My therapist suggested putting my scale away in the car for at least a week and I don't know if I can do it. If my dietician asks me to make a diet change that can lead to weight gain I don't think I'll be able to handle it. I am truly above my healthy weight and I need to lose some in a healthy way and I hope she allows me to continue that. I think I can do that without ED behaviors. The thought of gaining more weight really terrifies me. Because it hasn't stopped ever since my weight restored. I'm so worried about what my dietician may ask me to change when I see her on Wednesday for our session.
Hey there! I hope you do choose to fight off ED's grasp and continue with recovery. ED will latch onto anything, like this quarantine. I've been caught in a binge-restrict cycle while trying to recover from anorexia. Binging because part of me really needs the food and is denying it, and restricting because of difficult thoughts. What's helping me is realizing I need to neutralize all food no matter what anyone says. Opposite actions, too. So today I started wanting sugar and fast food, then started telling myself it's bad for me and I too have barely eaten... now I'm having fast food in a few hours because I need to do the opposite actions and not eating isn't a trophy. It's not a good thing for me, it doesn't show I'm disciplined, it doesn't make me special, it doesn't define me. For me, ED makes me judgemental of others and myself, it makes me terribly anxious and depressed, not trust myself or others, hurts my body instead of taking care of it like it "promises" - that's not who I want to be. Food neutralizing may help along with listing the negatives and positives of ED vs recovery. It's really hard to ignore those dieting right now and possibly being with limited food. Please try to remember as others have said that ED isn't healthy or safe. It doesn't have your best interests in mind, and you're likely not fat. But even if you were, why would that be bad? Just something to think about. You deserve to eat so I hope you do. Best of luck to ya
@Lexloveslife You have a really healthy perspective. Thank you so much for sharing all of that! I was trying the approach of food neutralizing until a doctor recently told me it seems like I have hypoglycemia, and that I need to make some changes with my eating. Now that I have, I seem to be more sensitive to carbs, not because of fear of weight gain, but because without balancing them with protein they seem to give me these awful physical panic feelings. Now I don't know how to look at food neutrally if I have to be so careful about balancing how I eat and how often I eat. The changes I've been making started off healthy but now it's just really triggering my OCD. I'll talk to my dietician about it. We're meeting earlier than planned because of this relapse. I don't think it's so much the idea of being "fat" that I'm afraid of, but more of losing control of my body. But the thought of having fat on my body bothers me so much too. So I'm not really sure. I think it's all just a distraction from my high stress life. If I have something to obsess over "fixing", like losing weight, then I don't have to think about everything else in life that's stressing me out. But I know it's hurting more than helping.
@Tessie87
Hey :) so hypoglycemia is actually normal, especially after carbs because of the way our body processes them (think, simple carbs like sugar vs complex carbs - and even with a carb heavy meal vs carbs & protein). If you cut out carbs, this reaction will be even more severe at first while your body readjust. Not to contradict your doctor- it's important to get balanced meals and you might have something else going on. But if your doctor doesn't specialize in EDs, you need to take their advice with a grain of salt. A person recovering has vastly diminished needs that a person who has never had an ED. And I've been down the road of prioritizing protein / balanced meals for "health". But ironically what you might need more than balance right now is all ther carb heavy meals and snacks. It's normal to feel very tired in recovery, your body is fixing itself. As for losing control darling, i highly doubt you will. First, what good does controlling your body bring? Our bodies aren't meant to be controlled. They're meant to carry us through life! They don't care about societal standards and just look at how standards vary across the world... There's more that I wanted to touch on, the anxiety / OCD parts. I might circle back later because this is getting a bit long.
@Lexloveslife
* vastly different needs than, sorry about that typo
@Lexloveslife Thank you so much for saying all that. It was super helpful and encouraging to read. Are you available as a listener to talk more?
@Tessie87
I'm not. I hope you can find a listener
@Tessie87
As for the OCD side of things I wanted to circle back to, I can kind of relate. I made changes that I thought were healthy and then slid into rigidity quickly. If I didn't do things a certain way, eat at a certain, etc, I'd feel anxious and sometimes angry. What helps with that is exposure therapy, sitting with that feeling of discomfort. You can start small or you can dive straight in. It's up to you. Eventually the brain will understand that nothing bad will really happen if things aren't perfect. You'll start to see that you aren't losing control. You have the choice to recover and you can choose it, and it'll be in your control to continue with it. If you do exposure therapy for OCD and/or ED please try it with a therapist during a virtual session, or at least come up with a plan while your therapist is present. And of course medication can very be useful here as well. I know it's all easier said than done. It's always the "doing" that is the hardest part of rewiring our brains. Hope you're safe today
@Lexloveslife
Ah, I wish you were a listener because you understand things so well! But thank you anyway 😊
Yeah, I actually am working with an OCD therapist doing exposure therapy. He doesn't specialize in EDs, but we've been trying to come up with the best plan to tailor exposures to the ED. We were doing that a long time ago, but it became too overwhelming for me so we stopped, and then after that ED stopped being much of an issue for a good while so we were just focusing on other OCD exposures. But now that ED is more of an issue again, he's getting in touch with my dietician to collaborate on goals. So far, he's suggested I put my scale in my car for at least a week (pretty much an exposure), but I haven't done that yet. I don't feel ready to. He suggested it this past Monday. But I have session with him again tomorrow thankfully. I'm also on medications and work with a really good psychiatrist. I'm really greatful to have such a supportive treatment team. What's been missing though is peer support, so I'm glad to have reached out on here and to have found amazing people like you. I've been reading more about EDs recently and I think what's happening is I'm starting to develop some symptoms of Orthorexia along with the previous ED stuff coming back up. Discovering that I do seem to have some Orthorexia issues really affected me for some reason. I cried a lot last night but at least now I have a better idea of what's happening. Thank you again 😊
@Tessie87
Hey there. First, I'm glad this is helping you. You deserve a safe space to talk. This helps me too, so thank you for being willing to talk with me. I'm here in member form pretty often, and if you'd like advice on certain symptoms I can do my best but I'm no expert. Second, you'll never feel ready to put your scale in your car. If you wait to do things until you're ready, you likely won't recover because ED will never let you be ready. One of favorite quotes is "feel the fear and do it anyway". It'll very hard. Very, very scary. While I'm glad you've noticed you're developing orthorexic tendencies, please be wary about putting a full label on this. Anorexia can shift, absolutely, and it's so common. Seeing as labeling your habits orthorexic is causing more stress, maybe what's best is no self labeling. I'm very happy to hear your therapist and dietitian are working together. Have you spoken with your dietitian about a meal plan / are you on one? Maybe you don't have to throw out the just yet but engage in other behaviors that work against the ED. I know it's so hard and it can deeply hurt to lose ED and all those behaviors that seem to ease anxiety. You're more than your body, you're more than the number on the scale, you're more than OCD, more than orthorexic behavior. What do you do in free time? Also I'm sorry if this is all over the place, just woke up, hopefully it makes some sense!
@Lexloveslife
Hrm. Actually I might not be around much after today because the amount of people struggling has suddenly gone up and its hard on my own ED recovery. But I'll still try to reply, it just won't be each day
@Lexloveslife
thank you so much for everything you said and for being there. It means a lot to me to have a safe place to talk and to be so understood. I agree with the things you said above. I completely understand you needing to come on less in order to protect your own recovery ❤️ it is hard though because I'm new to using the app, and the other person that I really connected with and asked me to stay in touch with disappeared. She's a listener, but the app is won't allow me to connect with her again because she also listens to teens. Our chat history keeps disappearing. I don't understand. I've also had a friend who stopped talking to me because I was a trigger for her. It's really hard to open up and then find that it the ones you connect with most can't be there. I know that's not at all what you're saying and I really appreciate you messaging whenever you're able. I totally don't expect it to be every day. If I'm not a trigger for you and you need to come on here less, would you be willing to occasionally message privately outside of the app? Is there a way to send you a private message with my cell number? I completely understand and respect if you need to have a boundary against that or if that's not something you're supposed to ask for within the app. I'm just new to using it so I don't know. So please don't feel pressured to say yes. I just thought it was worth asking if mutual support could be helpful. Even though I'm struggling I can help too 😊
@Tessie87
I understand how hard it is. I've been there and am there now, finding that what I need to say triggers people (or myself) or people don't understand/can't relate. I've reached out to listeners with no response before and I've had listeners disappear. That said, I don't think private messaging is a good idea. I'm really sorry. I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you here if you want
@Lexloveslife I completely understand and respect that. It's hard for me to figure out the balance between relating to someone vs being a trigger. Was there something I said that triggered you? If so I am sorry and it would be helpful to know so that I can hopefully avoid that in the future with others
@Tessie87
Nothing you've said has triggered me
@Lexloveslife Ok that is a relief to know. Thank you 😊
@Tessie87
Hey! I see you have a listener, that's great! Would you still like to chat here for general peer support or make a new thread so we can talk openly but avoid potentially triggering others? I do have an L account to exchange stuff down the road, but as I said I'm not open for business as an L officially. Lemme know
@Lexloveslife Thanks 🙏. I would love to keep talking to you in whatever way possible, thank you! We can start a new thread until your listener account is open if that works? I'm not sure how to start a new thread with you though? Still figuring out all the ins and outs of this app.
@Tessie87
I'll start one and link you to it or tell you the name of it, give me an hour-ish. I keep falling asleep
@Lexloveslife that was so kind of you to create a place for us to talk, thank you! I'll respond on there soon 😊
@Tessie87
Sure thing. The link in case the thread gets buried over time is below. Also I'm glad you've connected with a listener! That is pretty rare, especially in the ED category 
https://www.7cups.com/forum/EatingDisorderSupport_54/EatingDisordersGeneralSupport_32/APlaceforTessieLex_222291/
Ahh sorry, here's the actual link. I'll be around just browsing and stuff occassionally. Take care @Tessie87
@Lexloveslife Thank you so much for posting the link and yes, I'm very grateful to have found a listener too. I'm going to message you on our thread now 😊
@Tessie87
Relapsing is awful, I'm sorry to hear it's happening to you. I think coming right out and saying it is hard, so if you're not up for that, maybe you should ease into it by discussing one thing at a time. Best of luck.
@2ndOf7 Thank you 🙏 Yes, that's the approach I took with my therapist today. He asked if there was one ED behavior could share with him to start with that felt "safer" to say. So I just told him about excessively using the scale. Now he wants me to put it away in my car for at least a week. I don't know if I can do it. But it felt good to at least get the process started of admitting what's going on with him. It's a behavior he knew about it the past so it made it easier. But the other behaviors have gotten worse and are in my mind stranger and more embarrassing. Because I don't know how common those behaviors are with EDs and he doesn't specialize in it so he may think it sounds really weird. I'm really nervous about what he might think even though I know it shouldn't matter.
@Tessie87
I'm so glad to hear you can ease into regaining recovery strategies. 😊
@2ndOf7 thank you 🙏
@Tessie87 Know the feeling. I'm relapsing these days too. I don't really want to eat anything. I just want to fast and be skinny. I don't know what to do about it though, as the local ED center doesn't want me. I'm not skinny enough... :3
@EvilRegalsReadToo
thank you for sharing that with me that you relate and I'm really sorry you're struggling too. I've been there with treatment centers not being able to continue treating me, I think also mostly because of not having a low enough weight. I hate that insurance companies place so much importance on that because EDs are about so much more than just a weight and it doesn't mean help is any less needed! I wish you well in your recovery ❤️
@Tessie87 Yeah it's so weird that they don't want to help ppl before they are so skinny that they can't stand anymore. I am not skinny, not by fare, but if I follow the road I am on right now, I will be at some point.
@EvilRegalsReadToo Yeah, a lot of what insurance companies look at when they decide whether to cover treatment are numbers/ statistics. It's a way for them to get away with covering less care, even when it isn't appropriate to do so and help is just as much needed. I have a lot of frustrations with the US medical system and how insurance operates. Are you in the US too? I'm sorry you are having to go through the same thing I did and I hope you can get the help that you need as soon as possible 😊
@Tessie87 I'm in Denmark, so medical care is free, but we still have this problem :/
@EvilRegalsReadToo
Oh that is sad to know. I hear people say that the medical systems are better in other countries but it sounds like that's an overgeneralization then. Nice that the care is free but not if you can't access it! Will they accept you into an outpatient program? Here the criteria for outpatient is less strict than inpatient
@Tessie87
I actually asked for outpatient, but they didn't want me either, bc I have schizophrenia :S They don't do double diagnose, and they don't "do" us who aren't skinny enough.
@EvilRegalsReadToo
i'm really sorry to hear that it's so hard to get help there. They don't have any programs for those that have more than one diagnosis?
@Tessie87 Sadly no. Not in my area at least :S
@EvilRegalsReadToo I'm really sorry to hear that. I'm glad that you at least have this app for support 😊
@Tessie87 yeah, it's better than nothing. And ppl in here are sooo sweet! 
@EvilRegalsReadToo
It's terrible that these places are only offering services for those that are already underweight. Everyone deserves help despite body type or the physical effect an eating disorder had on them.
@Tessie87
Hey sweet. I messaged you! Thank you for reaching out.
@arielrose
thank you so much! I messaged you back and would love to chat when you're available 😊
@Tessie87
Yeah,i have restrictive eating. I just survive on water and righ now i started to like my body. But the fact is i dont eat anything at all which means if i start eating, it will be worse again soooo i dont have any idea. I dont know what type of disorder you have but at least you have someone who you can talk to i guess.
@Tessie87
I relate... I think we all have an Achilles Tendon and when there is too much stress and difficult situations that thing may appear again cause we used to use it to cope... but there are other ways, remember you have been in that road before and you can take another one
take care, dont give up
struggling to stay on track with my recovery :/ anxiety about my body weight and how i look is starting to control my thoughts again. any advise?
@xaxcxsx
I can sometimes soothe those thoughts by listing people I admire, respect, get inspired by etc. And then see how many of their weights I know. I never know any, so I try to remember that who we lift up is so much more important than sacrificing everything to please people that don't really care what we look like.