Self Image ramble and background story/confession

This is an ongoing problem in society. Even the most beautiful and handsome people are filled with insecurities. We constantly feel pressured and judged. Everyone is constantly saying you dont have to be perfect, yet we are surrounded by advertisements and other forms of media showing the ideal man or woman. There is only so much you can change about yourself, however, we really should appreciate our flaws. In a way it does make you different and gives you a unique quality. What you may consider a flaw could be what someone finds most fascinating about you. Now I know this seems like the cliché be yourself, youre prefect type speech, but I really wish everyone could find a semblance of peace and acceptance within themselves and just live. To just let go and enjoy life.

I have to work on this myself. I have been caught up in the whirlwind of issues that make up self image. Ive done things Im not proud of by any means. It started in middle school with a simple book called Perfect. Ive said it before, but it truly was like inception, it was what first put the idea of purging in my head and made me decide that throwing up was a good idea. I was in 7th grade 52, [edited by Anomalia for weight specifics / triggers]. Something just clicked in my head and I felt disgusted with myself. For a time I threw up everyday and dropped down to the [edited], but the effects were costly. My throat hurt, my stomach often became bloated, and trying to hide it became an issue. My friends eventually found out and I had to go see the school counselor who made me confess to my dad. It took me a while to gain back my dads trust and he was watching me like a hawk whenever I ate. If I was ever in the bathroom for a long time I was interrogated as to what exactly I had been doing. I stopped for a time, but the idea kept popping up with every piece of food I ate. I spent the majority of my time at my grandparents house for both my parents worked. At the time my Grandma was trying to lose weight and thats when I first was introduced to diet pills. I took my first diet pill at the age of 14. I convinced my grandma to buy them for me. It was the first pill that I knew of that actually had results. I thought I had found a solution. Take these pills and I wont have to throw up anymore. This went on for a few months before my mom found out. She took away my pills and later found out of my previous purging problem. I had succeeded in keeping that information from her for over a year. So once again I was stuck and had to eat normally. My mom couldnt fathom why I was uncomfortable with myself. I was already working out a lot, with tennis three days a week, and then going to the gym with her. So once again I was forced to be on a break.

Soon I got another bright idea. Over the summer my sister had summer school and my parents both worked all day so I was home alone. I decided I wouldnt eat more than [edited] calories a day. I had to eat with my parents around so I wouldnt eat anything till dinner. I survived off of green tea and if I had to eat I would grab fruit. The first morning I couldnt get out of bed to fast or a felt nauseous. Throughout the day my mind was constantly on food and I had to distract myself. Drawing, watching movies, working out, anything to keep my mind off of food. The second day I got nauseous and had to run to the bathroom. One minute I was over the toilet and the next thing I know Im waking up on my bathroom floor with an intense pain from the side of my head. I had passed out, for how long I had no idea. Why I thought this was the way to go I ha no idea. However, it was short lived for summer was almost over and school started within a week. Its kind of funny. My family never suspected I was starving or purging until I had stopped. The only ever questioned me when I wasnt doing anything.

I did this kind of thing on and off throughout high school up until my junior year. I decided enough was enough when it came to throwing up. I never really lost a significant amount of weight anyway. And my family was around to much for me to get away with starving myself. This is when my main focus switched to diet pills. I honestly never lost that much weight unhealthily. I lost the most weight moving away to college. Honestly just not having food around my room and walking everywhere instead of using a bike, and just exercising allowed me to lose [edited] pounds. I have bought diet pills recently I will confess, but I dont take them as often as I used to, I don;t want to be dependent or addicted. Ive been able to maintain [edited]lbs without the use of anything. I never actually thought I would get this low. Im a lot happier than I was before, but Im still not satisfied. My family says Im pretty, but hey theyre biased, my friends have said Im gorgeous, but I don;t see it. I wish I did. Its horrible when looking in the mirror can change your entire mood. I hate walking alone across campus. Even when I know people arent talking about me, Im always paranoid theyre judging me by my size, shape, or clothing.

I really want to learn to accept myself. Because if I just spend every minute critiquing myself that isnt living. I want to learn to accept my flaws and embrace who I am. To let go and just be free, instead of being held down by insecurity. Ive gotten better over the years. Although my decisions havent always been the greatest or the smartest, I have grown from these experiences. With the help of my friends and family I hope to one day reach a level of pure happiness and not let the little things get to me. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and hopefully one day see what others claim to.