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Hi! This is my first post and I don’t know what to do anymore. I keep hearing this voice in my head insulting me, tearing me apart and I turning me into an awful person.

I have starved myself for weeks, binged and purged and then just binged and every single time, every single day for the past 5 years I have not been able to look at myself without disgust.

I wish I could bring back the girl who didn’t count calories, who didn’t care whether she fit a certain beauty standard or what’s the best way to avoid going out to eat or best way to hide the fat.

i feel so alone and so tired. I don’t want to know how calories will be in my lunch or even if I was going to have lunch that day! I don’t want to be afraid of practicing a basic human need.

i just feel tired and scared. This has made me de-attach myself from everyone and from my feelings. Every time I start to have feelings for a guy I run the other way, I become cold towards and dry even though I wanted nothing more then to get to know him. I just don’t want anyone to see me as this mess. I am so afraid that others see me the same way I see myself.

I just wish I could take a break from all of this and enjoy my teens just a little bit more. I hope that one day I could start to recover and stay committed, but all I want is to be thin and no matter how much it kills me, I will always crave it. I hate this.