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straightforwardKiwi5925
3,554 M Seeking Light 2
PathStep 16 Compassion hearts323 Forum posts23 Forum upvotes30 Current upvotes30 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2024 Member sinceOctober 9, 2020
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Vent ig
Eating Disorder Support / by straightforwardKiwi5925
Last post
 March 10th, 2022
...See more Hey, I’ve had periods of eating and not eating all within a week and I’m just tired all the time! I am really sick of feeling this way and the only thing I can think of is if I should starve myself or binge and purge or whatever sick thing my Ed wants to me to do. I just want to live without Ed’s voice in my head anymore. I don’t want to look at the scale and feel proud for starving or get upset when I see the number go up. i wish I could get back the innocent little girl who thought that she looked good. I really don’t know how much longer I have until I break down and just let go of it all. I just want to be normal, not this or whatever it is. I have to watch everything I say to others bc I’m scared that by either complementing them or saying something about weight loss that I could give them an Ed. I never want anyone to feel like this.
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I did it again
Eating Disorder Support / by straightforwardKiwi5925
Last post
 January 22nd, 2022
...See more Hi, so I’ve been struggling with my weight and the methods I use to try and lose weight. Most of the time it would be me either starving myself or just binging after not eating for a while, but recently I’ve started to purge… to be honest, idek why I’m doing any of this cause every time I eat something I’m fighting the urge to make myself sick. I don’t want to do it and I even start to have a panic attack before I do but then I lose control and I can’t stop. idk I just thought that by limiting my calories and not eating when I was hungry meant I was finally in control but now with binging and purging, I don’t think I even have a choice on what to do or how to feel anymore. I don’t want this to be my life but it’s all I think about.
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Eating Disorder Support / by straightforwardKiwi5925
Last post
 January 15th, 2022
...See more Hi! This is my first post and I don’t know what to do anymore. I keep hearing this voice in my head insulting me, tearing me apart and I turning me into an awful person. I have starved myself for weeks, binged and purged and then just binged and every single time, every single day for the past 5 years I have not been able to look at myself without disgust. I wish I could bring back the girl who didn’t count calories, who didn’t care whether she fit a certain beauty standard or what’s the best way to avoid going out to eat or best way to hide the fat. i feel so alone and so tired. I don’t want to know how calories will be in my lunch or even if I was going to have lunch that day! I don’t want to be afraid of practicing a basic human need. i just feel tired and scared. This has made me de-attach myself from everyone and from my feelings. Every time I start to have feelings for a guy I run the other way, I become cold towards and dry even though I wanted nothing more then to get to know him. I just don’t want anyone to see me as this mess. I am so afraid that others see me the same way I see myself. I just wish I could take a break from all of this and enjoy my teens just a little bit more. I hope that one day I could start to recover and stay committed, but all I want is to be thin and no matter how much it kills me, I will always crave it. I hate this.
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Idk what to do
Eating Disorder Support / by straightforwardKiwi5925
Last post
 December 11th, 2020
...See more Hey, I have been struggling with ED for a while now and it has continued to get worse. I have lost all interest in improving wellbeing and health and I feel so empty inside. I have been hurt and broken by the same guy so many times that I have lost count and everytime this cycle repeats my ED goes out of control and I become deep into it. It's just this feeling is making me go crazy . It terrifies me. I'm so tired and I really need somebody, I can't tell anybody in my close circle because I'm just not ready and am terrified of their judgement. I hate to display any kind of weakness in front others and ED is one of my greatest one that even when I try to say it out loud the words get stuck and somehow i can't seem to say any of them.
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I need advice
Eating Disorder Support / by straightforwardKiwi5925
Last post
 November 5th, 2020
...See more I've just started going to gym and I wish it was for the right reasons. Today I wore shorts to the gym for the first time and I was scared. I kept on thinking people were looking at me, judging me and I got scared. It took me an hour to convince myself to wear it today. I just wish that I was going there for the right reasons, that I actually wanted to be healthy but all I could think about is the quickest way to lose weight, to get rid of it all. But today I've only had one meal and I'm not planning on having another. I am so hungry but it's like food is not even a option. I'm terrified that if I eat one thing I could gain more weight.
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I lost control
Eating Disorder Support / by straightforwardKiwi5925
Last post
 October 18th, 2020
...See more I just ate this delicious and amazing dish and now all I could feel is guilty and disgusted. I want to breakdown and just let it all out. I feel so tired. I'm done feeling this way but idk how to stop it idk how to control it, it controls me. I hate this body, every part of it, it's all flawed not one that is right about it. I just want it to stop. I don't want to be hunger but crave that feeling. I don't want to feel guilty but I can't help it. I don't want to look at myself in the mirror and breakdown.
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