Wanting recovery... but not really? Conflicted

I've been having restricting/binging cycles for a few years now. Sometimes one is more common than the other, but sometimes I go through "normal eating" phases, which are rare in the past 3 years. I've done purging through vomitting, but stopped out of emetophobia and lately my binging makes me feel awful so the thoughts of returning to it have come back stronger than ever. I also do this thing I won't mention, but it's a way of getting food but no calories, but i'm really terrified someone will read it by mistake and be like "that's an amazing way to lose weight" and it's not. It's addicting. It's disgusting. I told my best friend, ex best friend, last year and she was like "oh thanks" and I know I gave her an idea since she had an eating disorder diagnosed... so yeah, I feel awful about it. We don't talk anymore.

Moving on, I do see a psychologist for other things. My weight loss came up as I mentioned once I had been overweight and she looked at me surprised. I'm not underweight, my BMI is actually pretty healthy but i have a higher body fat and look bigger than my BMI. I could've told her how I lost the weight, but I panicked. She did suspect though. Because on my medication, it's really impossible to lose weight since it lowers metabolism like crazy not only that but increases appetite, much less as much as I did.

I want to stop this, not because I hate restricting but because I have my binging and other behavior and fear i might engage in others. I planned to increase my intake but was triggered now and feel scared of it. I tried it before and failed, binged a lot after 5 days.

Thing is, and this is what others won't agree with, is I want to lose weight no matter what! Healthy, unhealthy... but I think healthy way would be better.

I could tell my psychologist, yes. But last time I did tell some doctor, they repplied saying I was looking for attention, that I had to choose one eating disorder and stick with it then ask for help, or even adressed me to a nutritionist to lose weight that forced me to eat super clean, and would look at me disgusted for even eating a cup of greek yogurt or a bowl of cereal because it's fattening and I should NEVER eat it. That I didn't try hard enough. I kept gaining weight and she started being upset with me and saying bluntly "lose one kg until next appointment, okay?" or "it's not that hard, just don't eat sugar, fat, flour, ice cream, dairy, refined carbs, chocolate etc" but never gave me a meal plan. She also gave me back then a target weight that was higher than my weight before my binging started a year before, a lot higher and when i told her that she called me liar and was scary. And when I said "oh i do this and that, i binge and sometimes don't eat much and purge it" my nurse replied "so you're trying to be anorexic or bulimic? Because you're not binging enough and not purging enough, and you don't purge what you binge, so there's nothing wrong. Just eat normal, come on easy breezy". That was a slap on the face.

Long story short... I'm scared I'll be sent to a nutritionist. I'm scared I'll gain more weight, because my weight fluctuates a lot these past 6 months, and I really don't want to be called fake again. I can see something's wrong, just don't know what and want to see someone else's opinion but if they make me maintain or gain, I'll go into that cycles again or maybe trigger a full restricting cycle, leading on to a restrict/binge or binge cycle.

Help?