i just need to vent somewhere (sorry if this isn't allowed idk)
i feel like i have a problem but idk what. i keep restricting and i keep weighing myself. i don't know what to do about it. the feeling of being hungry has become like an addiction to me. it feels like an accomplishment. and as much as i know it's wrong i keep doing it. and when i eat more than i feel comfortable with then i self harm as a "punishment" for eating. and as a punishment for the way my body looks. and even though i have a mom who's trying to help me recover i just keep going behind her back to throw food away or to avoid meals and i feel like a terrible child because of it. i'm not diagnosed with any eating disorder but i know that something is wrong because all i do anymore is think about how much food i'm consuming or how many calories i'm consuming. i hate it so much and i want to go back to eating whatever i want without worrying about how it'll affect my weight but at the same time i feel attached to the way i feel when i restrict and i don't know how to stop.
@syrupjpeg
I'm really glad that you posted about how you are doing. It sounds like you're really struggling with your restricting and eating.
Have you shared with you mom how much you are struggling and that you really could use some help or maybe someone to talk to like a counselor before it gets worse for you?
Something I just thought about, what does your body do that is good for you - like how does it help you? Sometimes appreciating what our body does can help a tiny bit.
@syrupjpeg I feel ya. That was me as a teenager. Heck it was me only 2 years ago. I restricted and I used self-harm as punishment for almost everything. Eating too much, exercising too little, arguing with my mom, literally anything. And yes, it does make you feel better in the moment, but it doesn't last, and you will have to do it again the next day to get that feel of "control" back.
I don't have a way out of this that doesn't involve a therapist. You need to talk to somebody who can help you find other ways to deal with the stress of "being a bad daughter". I can only help you so far, you will need a professional to help with this. Helped me so much that I actually ended in the other end with binge eating instead. My relationship with food got too relaxed and I cut it short with the therapist. If I could go back in time, I would have kept in contact with the therapist a few more years.
@syrupjpeg updating this. thanks for any help and tips.
just a little addition to my original post
i came to the realization today that it might be worse than i thought because i walked upstairs and the smell of dinner sent me into like a full panic. i felt a sense of dread knowing i was going to be forced to sit at the table and eat when all i wanted to do was continue to restrict. it's never really happened before but something just set me off and it made me feel very anxious. I'm starting to worry that maybe i do need more help than i maybe originally thought. probably going to have to be honest with my parents and doctor some point soon.