I Think I Have ARFID? (Rant)

tw for all sorts of unhealthy ED-related thoughts

It was really hard to explain my relationship to eating before I heard about ARFID because the way I act and think about eating is not healthy, but it has nothing to do with weight or body image issues. If anything, I think it would be healthier to eat more, but I just can't.

I've been telling my family for about a year that something's wrong. It wasn't necessarily a disorder yet, but I noticed I would just not eat if there wasn't anything there I liked, regardless of how hungry I was. I also had really unhealthy thoughts like, "if people don't notice when I skip meals then I don't deserve to eat" and things like that. But despite me trying to emphasize that this was a big issue, my mom would just buy me more food I liked, which temporarily solved things but didn't change the thought patterns. What I really wanted was for set mealtimes that they made sure I attended so that it wouldn't go unnoticed but the few times I did bring this up, my mom agreed to it but never implemented it.

Then in the past couple weeks things took a turn for the worse. I was having a pretty *** day and I don't know exactly why but I decided that for just one day, I wouldn't fight the thoughts. I figured it would feel good to just give in and stop eating food for a day, but that if it was only for a day it wouldn't cause any real damage.

I have this idea in my head that not eating is a kind of "eff you" to the people in my life who don't notice. I'm really loud and sometimes obnoxious around my family and friends and sometimes it feels like it's because I'm begging for people to notice me. As a middle child in a very big family, it's not hard to see where this might come from. I feel like I'm crying for help all the time and never actually being heard. Starving myself feels like switching it up to quiet retribution instead. I know my family cares about me, but at the same time they aren't doing anything to help me, so it's almost like I'm punishing them by hurting something they love.

So I just gave in to the thoughts for a day and it feels like ever since then, a switch has flipped. My brain is actively searching for ways I can eat less and less food without anyone noticing, and it almost feels like a game. I still try to fight it, but every time I eat food, even though I know it's a good thing, it feels like I'm losing. Starvation feels good to me now. Sometimes food seems absolutely disgusting, even if it's food that I really like, which was one of the scariest things. Feeling full feels disgusting. I fidget with my stomach a lot now too, and again, I don't worry about my weight in the slightest, but it just kind of reminds me of what I'm doing.

The first day this started happening, I was really scared and hangry. I was in a horrible mood until I managed to eat something midway through the day. I skipped dinner but I knew my sister was going to bring me home a smoothie, which I was really excited for because I thought it would be an easy way to fill myself up without having to deal with a lot of the thoughts I have about food. But then she forgot to and I lost it. I told my parents I hadn't eaten dinner and I confided in my sibling the way my thoughts had changed around food but asked them not to tell our parents. Then we got my comfort food so I could have some dinner.

But I don't think they actually kept their word, because the next day my parents were asking me every single meal if I'd eaten something. I understand why they would have done it, so I'm not mad at them. But I was really really mad at my parents for this. It made me feel so horrible that after pleading with them for a year to take this seriously they didn't until it finally got so bad that I didn't want them to help me anymore. It never would have gotten this bad if they had just listened to me in the first place, but it's like my pain wasn't valid enough until I couldn't ask for help anymore.

Since then they seem to think I got better, but I haven't. I'm still struggling to eat because my brain tells me it's a victory when I don't. The thing is, I don't want to ask anyone for help. I want to get better, but I don't want anyone to know I'm struggling in the first place. When they knew it sort of reinforced the idea that I should hide it, because they were constantly bugging me about making sure I was eating. And I don't want to have this issue in the first place. I'm trying to pursue a relationship with someone at the moment but I don't want to be their "Partner With An Eating Disorder". I don't want to go to therapy for this. I don't know why I want to hide it so badly, but I do. I just want to fix this all on my own.