I feel like i have an addiction
Hi everyone, I wanted to come and share my experience because i thought maybe someone would have advice.
So about 3months ago i would fluctuate 5-10lbs and that was normal to me, but now ive noticed i gained 5lbs and fluctuate an additional 5lbs ontop of that. Thats sorta caused me to spiral. Its really all i think about, and one of the most important things in my life to get back to my past weight at least.
In the beginning of my 9th grade year, i lost 20lbs very fast, then gained 10 over the summer and then lost it again during the beginning of 10th grade. Now, in 11th grade im scared im going to go back to my weight 2 years ago, absolutely terrified. Even gaining the 5lbs back i feel absolutely disgusted and an alien in my own body. Im constantly thinking ab how i look to others and what they think about me which is ridiculous because i've only ever gotten compliments and i am shorter than most, so i know i look fairly "small."
Nontheless thats not how i feel physically and thats not what i see in the mirror. My height also makes it so that any deficit i try is just a ridiculously low amount of calories that looks absurd on paper.
This has caused me so much stress and unfortunately i find comfort in food, i eat when i have intense emotions, i eat for fun, and i eat when im bored. I feel hungry when i dont feel hungry if that makes sense. And i feel terrible after eating anything without closely considering calories and macros. I feel like i have to justify any meal or snack i want. The idea of eating and not eating torments me every single day. It hasnt gotten in the way of my academics yet but almost every other thought is about eating and my body image.
I don't know what to do, I really want to lose the weight and have peace of mind again but i truly feel stuck. Nothing is working.
If you took time to read this much thank you, and I'd really appreciate any feedback, as trivial as it may seem. :)
@strawhatzai
I'm sorry you're feeling this way, and, understandably, such intense thoughts about weight and body image are causing you distress. It sounds like you might be dealing with some challenging emotions and behaviors around food and body image. Many people experience similar feelings, and it's important to remember that you're not alone. I want to say that your feelings are valid. It’s okay to feel like this, and it doesn’t make you weak or anything. But it sounds like you’re being really hard on yourself, and it’s clear that it’s causing you a lot of pain. It’s understandable to feel scared about gaining weight when you’ve worked so hard before, but I want to remind you that our bodies naturally fluctuate, especially during high school when we’re still growing and changing. It’s not a reflection of your worth or value at all. I know it’s easier said than done, but have you thought about talking to someone you trust about this? It could be a friend, family member, or even a counselor. Sometimes just letting it out to someone can help take the weight off a bit.