Need Advice / Rant /

Okay so trigger/content warning

• fatshaming
• body comments
• talk of food
• insults
• and talk of bodychecking
• talk of weight
• and some numbers are listed

Alright so for years I've dealt with family and friends making comments on my body. Even my friends parents, my old best friend would always point out whenever I lost weight, even if it was only a pound or two, and she was super hard on her daughter who struggled to lose. She would always comment how lucky I was to be the weight I was and how she was so sad that her daughter was 300lbs. It was a constant, and my mother would join in on the conversation, saying what I would or wouldn't eat, how often we would order takeout, and how often we'd go outside and what I did that counted as "exercise".

My mother has always been so hard on me for my body. She wouldn't let me get specific clothes and she'd say "You don't want to look like those fat girls with the rolls poking out its disgusting" and other harsh things like that. And she consistently calls me greedy and a glutton anytime I make myself food. So I've always felt this pressure on eating. And I feel horrible when I do eat. Anytime I've gained she's always been so disappointed, and she'll joke and say I should go back to starving and such. She consistently makes jokes like this but never lets me seek help for it. She says I am only following my friends with this, because a few of my other friends have eating disorders. But now, I've been losing a lot more, and she stopped the jokes and praises me. And I feel like she doesn't care how that affects me, its only made me want to get worse and worse so she sees I really do need help. Yet at the same time I don't want to worry my friends that actually care about me. Its a constant back and forth with myself. And I don't know what to do, anytime I ask my mother for help she just shuts me down and says I'm faking it and that I should be happy and I'm losing and I won't be fat forever like others in our family. What should I do?