Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav
Considering therapy? Talk to a licensed therapist, wherever you are. Get started
kaola
1 4,385 M Seeking Light 5
Tobias In Main!! 🪓
PathStep 49 Compassion hearts298 Forum posts10 Forum upvotes13 Current upvotes13 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2026 Member sinceApril 22, 2020
Bio

║█║▌║█║▌│║▌║▌█║

🌺Welcome I guess , you can call me kaola or kao , this is the last place I have for anything , My preferred pronouns are they/he/it , I apologize if I trigger anyone accidentally please tell me if I do 🌺



I am twenty

I've been struggling with being an osdd system for 6+ years now

I enjoy horror media of all sorts


↶Struggles↷

BPD
OSDD

CPTSD
OCD
Depression
Anxiety
EDNOS
Highly possible autism
Possible Tourette's/tic disorder


↪ Friends ↩
avyisking


! Quotes !

║█║▌║█║▌│║▌║▌█║





Recent forum posts
kaola profile picture
I need some advice
Eating Disorder Support / by kaola
Last post
 October 10th, 2023
...See more ------------------------- Tw  - Binging - Talk of weight - numbers - possibly more ------------------------- I gained. I binged and binged for the past week and a half, and now I'm back at that unhealthy weight again. I don't know what to do. I feel so disgusting. I can't believe I did this. I need advice, I need to get back to a healthy weight again without binging. What do I do
kaola profile picture
Need To Vent
Eating Disorder Support / by kaola
Last post
 September 8th, 2023
...See more I'm not sure what to TW this with, my head is too jumbled to figure it out ------------------------- I was talking to my mom today, I know so cliche its always the mother, and she commented on my body and how I'm thick. I hate it. I hate everything about my body. My proportions are so ugly, only small parts of me are thin and the rest is thick. I hate it. It feels like I'm built like a popsicle stick, thin on the bottom and disgustingly thick on top. I look so ugly. And I can't even tell what my body looks like at night. Last night I thought my legs looked long and thin, but thick at the very top. This morning they just feel thick and fat. And I hate it. I want to just be okay with my body. I want to feel okay with my looks, and how clothes fit on me. I just want this to stop. I don't want to hear more comments from my family about how fat I am, or how I look like I've gained weight. I want them to be proud of me. I want to be thinner. Not unhealthily thin, just thin. I don't want to be underweight most days, but on the really rough days I feel like it would just be easier for me. That I'd be better off with them telling me I look sick, or say the usual "you need a cheeseburger" type of stuff. Because this. Them calling me fat, and thick, and unhealthy and a glutton, it hurts so much. I've been big all my life and I am sick of it. I am tired of not buying things I like simply because they'll call me fat in it. I am so tired of this. I just want to be at a healthy weight, I just want to be healthy, I've been overweight for too long. I've been st-rving myself on and off for so long and I've never left this fatness and I am so tired. I am tired of things not working. I *** some of my teeth up from purging, and I think now I am *** up my hair from starving, but I can't even tell. I'm just. I'm tired. I'm so stressed and it just makes it worse. I feel like I don't deserve to eat, and that feeling is all the time now. I want to go back, before I got this bad. I just. I want to go back before I was tired.
kaola profile picture
TW!!! Massive vent but not really
Eating Disorder Support / by kaola
Last post
 September 1st, 2023
...See more Trigger Warnings Below * Disordered Talking * Talk of calories, weight, etc * Mentions of th-nsp0 * Talk of food * Major vent ------------------------- So these past few months (over the summer), I struggled extremely hard with self control. I was in a constant yo-yo. I went from the extreme rituals of starving and over-exercising to over-eating and under-exercising. I have felt a million times worse when I was binging and not doing any workouts. I felt useless and like I was wasting everything, every bite of food, every breath, the water, everything. When I was starving and exercising I felt good at first, like I was floating and I was so happy with myself. Proud even, that I had my self control back, or rather I had the control back. But after a while I would be so tired, and my head always felt foggy. And it would repeat between the two. And my weight keeps fluctuating. And it makes me feel so horrible, because my mother was praising me for losing weight. And now I've gained some of it back. I feel like I'm failing her even more. I already fail at most things, and disappoint her. This was the one success I had. And now I can't even do that right. I feel disgusting and worthless. And so lost, I can't talk with any of my friends about this. Mainly because they are online and I don't have a way to get on the apps. But I feel alone in this, I just wish I could talk to someone about it. What do I do? I want this cycle to stop, but I can't stay at this weight. Its not healthy. It'll never be healthy. And losing it helps with my already existing chronic illnesses. I just. I want to stop yo-yoing. And I don't want to worry my boyfriend but I am scared that I already am worrying him. I just wish I could talk to someone about it, and we just talk together about the struggle. 
kaola profile picture
Rant? Wanting friends??
Eating Disorder Support / by kaola
Last post
 August 30th, 2023
...See more I struggle sort of mildly with my ED, but the one thing that really helped me was talking to others that are also disordered and just being unfiltered with our conversations. I'm not sure why but it helped so much to know I wasn't alone in things. And I miss that, a lot, and with my situation right now I can't exactly do that now. So if anyone ever wants to like talk I guess? I dunno. I just miss talking to other people that think similar to me and can understand it.
kaola profile picture
Relapse - Tw in the start
Eating Disorder Support / by kaola
Last post
 June 12th, 2023
...See more Content / Trigger Warning * Numbers (weight + lbs) * Disordered thoughts * Talk of starving ------------------------- So recently I've been more open with one of my friends about my ed. And I suspect she has one too, or is at least disordered. We used to starve together and workout too. But we haven't really hung out in a while so we haven't been doing those things together. But I'm so jealous of her right now and it's making me really upset. I was doing okay this time around, I hadn't relapsed too bad, it was just one meal a day and more movement. But now I just don't want to eat at all. She's lost weight, and I'm just here at home barely doing anything. I feel so useless. I feel like I wasn't doing it right and that I should just not eat all together. I think the worst part is, I don't have a scale, so I have no real clue if I lost too. But I feel like I haven't. It doesn't look like I have anymore. For my height I am considered overweight still. In the last few months of me on and off getting worse, I only lost 8lbs, the same 8lbs I've been losing and gaining for years. And I feel so disappointed in myself. It feels like I am failing at this now. Failing at being disordered. Failing at losing. I feel like I shouldn't say I have an ed anymore, because of this. I am so insanely jealous of her, and I want to lose faster but its so hard in my house. And I can't even track me losing weight since I don't have a scale. I don't know what to do and I just, I need advice, how can I stop thinking like this, or how can I lose without being super damaging/noticeable to others/ to my body? Anything helps really. I just feel like such a bad friend for thinking like this
kaola profile picture
Need Advice / Rant /
Eating Disorder Support / by kaola
Last post
 June 6th, 2023
...See more Okay so trigger/content warning * fatshaming * body comments * talk of food * insults * and talk of bodychecking * talk of weight * and some numbers are listed ------------------------- Alright so for years I've dealt with family and friends making comments on my body. Even my friends parents, my old best friend would always point out whenever I lost weight, even if it was only a pound or two, and she was super hard on her daughter who struggled to lose. She would always comment how lucky I was to be the weight I was and how she was so sad that her daughter was 300lbs. It was a constant, and my mother would join in on the conversation, saying what I would or wouldn't eat, how often we would order takeout, and how often we'd go outside and what I did that counted as "exercise". My mother has always been so hard on me for my body. She wouldn't let me get specific clothes and she'd say "You don't want to look like those fat girls with the rolls poking out its disgusting" and other harsh things like that. And she consistently calls me greedy and a glutton anytime I make myself food. So I've always felt this pressure on eating. And I feel horrible when I do eat. Anytime I've gained she's always been so disappointed, and she'll joke and say I should go back to starving and such. She consistently makes jokes like this but never lets me seek help for it. She says I am only following my friends with this, because a few of my other friends have eating disorders. But now, I've been losing a lot more, and she stopped the jokes and praises me. And I feel like she doesn't care how that affects me, its only made me want to get worse and worse so she sees I really do need help. Yet at the same time I don't want to worry my friends that actually care about me. Its a constant back and forth with myself. And I don't know what to do, anytime I ask my mother for help she just shuts me down and says I'm faking it and that I should be happy and I'm losing and I won't be fat forever like others in our family. What should I do?
Search more from @kaola
Considering Therapy?
Talk to an expert therapist
Badges & Awards
28 total badges
Hand Shake Linked Quintet Super Active Bubbly Chief Chat Honest Voice Strong Start Reconnect First Post Reaching out Helping out First Compassion Helpful heart Kindness personified Loving Soul Bundled Group Chimer Group Chatter Supportive Smile Evolution Meet & Greet Teammate Group Friend Forum Friend Meaghan's Heart Strong Bond I Hang 10
Report an issue
Talk to a licensed therapist Wherever you are, whenever you need support. Get matched
Considering therapy? Talk to a licensed therapist, wherever you are. Get started