TW!!! Massive vent but not really
Trigger Warnings Below
- Disordered Talking
- Talk of calories, weight, etc
- Mentions of th-nsp0
- Talk of food
- Major vent
So these past few months (over the summer), I struggled extremely hard with self control. I was in a constant yo-yo. I went from the extreme rituals of starving and over-exercising to over-eating and under-exercising. I have felt a million times worse when I was binging and not doing any workouts. I felt useless and like I was wasting everything, every bite of food, every breath, the water, everything. When I was starving and exercising I felt good at first, like I was floating and I was so happy with myself. Proud even, that I had my self control back, or rather I had the control back. But after a while I would be so tired, and my head always felt foggy. And it would repeat between the two. And my weight keeps fluctuating. And it makes me feel so horrible, because my mother was praising me for losing weight. And now I've gained some of it back. I feel like I'm failing her even more. I already fail at most things, and disappoint her. This was the one success I had. And now I can't even do that right. I feel disgusting and worthless. And so lost, I can't talk with any of my friends about this. Mainly because they are online and I don't have a way to get on the apps. But I feel alone in this, I just wish I could talk to someone about it.
What do I do? I want this cycle to stop, but I can't stay at this weight. Its not healthy. It'll never be healthy. And losing it helps with my already existing chronic illnesses. I just. I want to stop yo-yoing. And I don't want to worry my boyfriend but I am scared that I already am worrying him.
I just wish I could talk to someone about it, and we just talk together about the struggle.
@kaola I'm really sorry to hear that you've been going through such a challenging and emotional time. It takes a lot of courage to open up about your struggles, and it's an important first step toward seeking help and support.
Please know that you are not alone in this, and there are people who care about your well-being. It's okay to talk to someone you trust about what you've been going through, whether it's your boyfriend, a family member, or a close friend. Sharing your feelings with them can provide emotional support and understanding.
One thing you can consider is seeking professional help, like talking to a therapist or counsellor who specializes in eating disorders and mental health. They can provide you with the guidance and support you need to break this cycle and find a healthier path forward.
Keeping a journal can also be a helpful way to express your thoughts and emotions. It can help you track your journey and provide insights into your triggers and patterns. You might find it valuable to share your journal with a therapist or counsellor when you have the opportunity to seek professional guidance.
Remember that recovery is a journey with its ups and downs, and it's important to be kind to yourself. Your worth is not determined by your weight or any perceived successes or failures. Focus on improving your overall health and well-being, and consider seeking professional help to break the cycle and find a healthier path.
Reaching out for help and support is a significant and brave step, and you deserve the support and guidance to overcome this challenge. Please take care of yourself 💚