anorexia + body dysmorphia
I think I’ve come to terms with the fact that the dysmorphia isn’t going to go away. (I haven’t. The beauty standard will forever be above me, and I feel as if I can do nothing about it but hate myself.)
I’ve gained weight again. I made terrible food choices and chickened out when I planned to binge it all, and now my stomach got bigger. It sticks out of my dresses and my skirts, I’m fat and I look absolutely terrible…
I know this is all my anorexia speaking but I genuinely look so terrible. I’ve always been teased for being too chubby or two skinny and I can’t do it anymore, I want to starve myself again
The moment I saw my weight at the doctors office this morning I wanted to start crying. I recalled every bite of food I took this week and last week and regretted it terribly, I hate it all, everything is going terribly wrong
@maceodeo First of all, there is no accurate standard of beauty and ugliness in the world. You can live a healthy life but not cater to the public aesthetics. A good example is the piercing people. They pierce their faces, which is not a popular aesthetic. People may think it is strange and not good-looking. But they like it very much. So there is no need to judge yourself based on other people's aesthetics. Besides, you can't help yourself. I think as long as you are healthy and happy, it's fine. I hope you will be happy every day in the future.
@maceodeo
Hi
@maceodeo
I am sorry to read you’re struggling with body dysmorphia. I suffer from that
too.
We see ourselves as fatter than we are, uglier than we are, less worth of love than we are.
Whatever defect we might have seems bigger and worse than it actually is, and we
feel like everybody would only look at that (like if we have a pimp on our
noses we feel like everybody is staring at our pimple while probably nobody actually
notices it).
I’ve had a chat with a couple of colleagues a couple of days ago, while we were
drinking coffee during a break. One of them complained about her hair being a
mess, and nobody had noticed her hair having anything wrong, even after she
pointed it out. Another one complained about some redness on her cheeks, which
nobody was actually noticing.
This made me realize we focus very much on our defects, only seeing the defects
when we look at ourselves in the mirrors. While the others “look at us” and not
at a specific part/defect, so they see how we look as a whole and almost always
don’t notice anything in specific.
We are so used to focusing on our defects, that’s all we see – and we tend to
see the same kind of defect on other people too (for example if we’re conscious
about our nose, we will focus on other people’s noses thinking everybody will look
at that).
So let’s both try and make a conscious effort to try and think about this when
we look at ourselves and see our defects. I struggle with this too, so this is
what I try to remind myself, and I hope it will help you too.
Going back to anorexia, I suffer from that too. So in case you need to find
someone to speak with, that knows your struggle, please do not hesitate to DM
me, we can help each other and be there for each other.
Sending love!
