trigger warning🤞

heyyy guys i just really wanted to vent and i don’t really know what to do with myself rn. i had been struggling with everything restrictions, binge eating and stuff during like 2024-25. one random day it just disappeared. i mean i did feel the urge to occasionally binge eat and stuff but it was somewhat manageable ***??? but even since this school year started i’ve been so insecure of my body. i used to be really chubby when i was in like middle school and i used to get bullied. and recently ive been feeling so ugly and fat. i had been overeating so much for the past few months. and recently since like 1-2 weeks i started purging. i don’t do it daily but i do it when i feel like ive over eaten. i’ve become so obsessed with what i eat. ive been tracking my calories again and watching so many tutorials on weight loss and ***. i don’t why ts is happening but yesterday i puked a lot at night. and ever since last night my heart has been beating really fast, i’m not able to breathe i have ts sick feeling in my stomach and idk if it’s anxiety??? but i told my dad about it cuz i really wasn’t able to breathe and i told him everytg for the first time abt my disordered eating and stuff. he started looking for therapy and recovery options available in our region. but rn im so scared to even heal. i feel like if i do im gonna become fat and loose control. i still wanna be pretty and loose weight im scared of healing and idk what to do abt it. it feels like a life or death situation when its really not that deep ik