Dealing with toxic family members while experiencing loss
Hi,
I am struggling right now with having to be more in contact with my parents, especially my mom because my brother passed. My mom has shown a lot of toxic behaviors in the past like lashing out, putting me down, and having really toxic fights with my dad frequently. They also both tend to be controlling. At the same time my mom wants a lot of attention and comfort from me. She did finally agree to go to counseling though. I want to bring up more of how I am still wanting her to address things after the situation with my brother is less fresh. Right now I still don't want to talk to her if I don't have to.
I am also struggling with my therapist seeming to want me to reconcile with my mom and wanting me to spend more time with her. I feel frustrated with my therapist a lot, but afraid to tell her more directly that I am frustrated and feel like I can't trust her to respect my own decisions around a family member that is toxic towards me.
Day
@Daydreamer47
Welcome. I'm sorry you are going through this. You are under no obligation to do things your therapist wants you to do, if you are not ready. This is your healing journey, not hers. Sometimes therapists want to see a patient/client move on faster than the patient/client wants to, and that's HER problem, not yours. You do what you feel is right, when YOU are safe/ready/willing.
@InquireWithin Thank you. I appreciate that a lot. :) :)
@Daydreamer47
I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I have a lost a sibling and know how devastating it is to go through that. It sounds like you are working on things with your therapist, but is ok to be honest about how you feel therapy is going. You don't have to agree with your therapist's suggestions and it is ok to express that you feel uncomfortable with the path they are recommending.
This is a super challenging time for you so just be sure that you take time for self-care as you try to manage all the difficult emotional aspects of these situations.
I am sending you prayers for clarity, strength and healing ❤️ We are here for you.
@halcyonCloud2036 Thank you so much. Yeah I'd like to try to gently bring it up next time. I like how you phrased it as being uncomfortable with a certain path.
Whew, if I could only leave a voice message like on the Line app but here, then I could do so much better in conveying my own story of which I’d love some productive support and help.
but this is with my father. Very long story to explain but if I tried to summaries it (I just found this from you (Day) since the 7Cups update today and thought bam!, I totally could use a lil kind advice on a similar situation myself), then I would say this:
I am Not trying to throw my father under the bus, but for several years now he’s made himself such a victim on just about anything and it’s so aggravating bc it seems he genuinely refuses to listen to me or respect my boundaries when he visits. For example he has stayed the night 10 days roughly eaxh month for the past few years.
I mean I love him to death and very much wish I could do more to help, but even if it’s soemthing small (pls don’t leave half eaten meals out I’ve prepared for you) he ALWAYS has some kind of justification for it (I was rationing it for later). This may seem small but when I kindly address this to him for months it’s come a point I’ve had to feed him less (provided I even have extra food) and then he goes to my sisters and acts like he’s starving.
Im aware that sounds so trivial to someone who might read this and be like wth? If that’s the worst thing that happens to you when he comes over then what are you complaining about.
but, it’s so much more I just don’t want to dig into the heavy stuff. That example is idk, I suppose I’m trying to explain that parents can be stubborn, but at the same time a lot of us are super fortunate to even have our parents still around and that’s a blessing in itself.
apologies for the tangent 😔
Or, pls don’t put your boots right in the middle of the floor bc when I let BamBam (the dog out in the middle of the night) I trip over them and damaged a wall. Even then, he continues to do little stuff like that anyways and I’m just like… why. With a straight face.
almost done! Then he’ll run over to my sisters and have some type of gossip bc he comes to me with gossip abt her and her kids. Then, she and I discuss it and straighten it out after he goes back to his city.
I just don’t get it. Idk if he’s bored. If it helps him feel included or soemthing along those lines, but to just be straight and honest with ppl really goes a long way.
and with the extended visits in my case. I mean I’m not going to ever tell him he can’t stay bc what if that’s me 50 yrs from now? It’s just hard to put my feet down with him sometimes and he’s always behind my back or poking around in my stuff when I turn around and I’m like that’s rude as hell.
idk. Just trying to relate and in summation… I guess irl I’m much too much a pushover and don’t want ppl to feel uncomfortable. So maybe I need to work on that.
but if the other person refuses to listen then whatdoyado? 🤷♂️
@JustWant2bWell 10 days every month seems like quite a lot when it's not the holidays/vacation. Maybe you could propose going out to eat or a movie instead of him staying over so much?
You have every right to stay away from a toxic person. Forgiving is ok. Spending time with people that are dangerous is not.
@blueHuman6457 Thank you. I appreciate that so much.
