I Have Emotionally Never Had A Family

Growing up I had some issues with undiagnosed mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and ADHD and because I am a girl they went untreated or notice for the majority of my life. So being that I was having issues with my self along with back to back friend issues at school I would then come home to an emotionally abusive household. I had all these issues to deal with and I had not one person to support me. Now growing up I was very lucky I had food, gifts, a home, and not a fear that my parents would physically harm me which I am very lucky for, but I am still in so much pain. My mother makes me apology to those who have hurt me, is exstreamly manipulative, makes me feel less than her daily, is a undiagnosed narsasits, hates to be wrong, tells all of her friends on the phone all of my personal issues and used to complain about how I was ruining her life as a kid, and has never had my back. Boy was she an actor she would pretend like she loved me then drop me at the blink of an eye. And because she was such a good actor I had no one to go to and still don't to this day they would all say to me, "how dare you say that about your mother." Or "you're lucky to have a mom like her, I wish I had a mom like that." And because of that I never though that anything was wrong and that I deserved all that what i was getting because I have always been a bad kid. Like I mentioned earlier I had a lot of issues when I was younger and when I was little I would ruffhouse with my sibling to hard and hurt them on accident and as I got older and my freind issues and mental health disorders got worse I would often snap and get mad at my sibiling. All of this is not somthing I am proud of, but I have been trying my best not to repeat the cycle and apologize about it all the time. But instead of accepting my apology my whole house has marked me as the least favorite child and has never sided with me either. My father Is the same way as my mother and has never believed me yet they all pretend to constantly which is very confusing. I am trying my hardest because the only thing I have ever wanted was a loving and emotionally avaliable family and that is somthing that I will never get. I haven't said I love to them in years because I can't say somthing I don't mean. The whole story is very long and confusing and there is no way I can type it all down. I am just to upset that I feel so unloved in my own family and no one will ever belive what I have to say and I though ranting would help me to cope with everything better, but I'm still struggling. I don't know of I can take all this anymore.

(Edited for content by @peaceloveandpaws)