I Want To Belong

Hi, I’m not sure when I’ll be able to see the replies to this.

I’ve never felt like I belonged. I had moved into a bigger household (more members) with my grandparents because my parents couldn’t look after me, it was a traumatic time. I haven’t been officially adopted and there’s talk casually brought up from my uncle (though he’s a good person) to move back. I’m old enough to move out, but due to being a carer most of my life and now having another younger sibling to care for who is more susceptible to health issues at times, I was under a lot of stress and dropped out of sixth form during the pandemic. I have no footing in the financial world and I’m scared to leave my house at times even though what I want is to escape its problems.

I’m an embarrassment and it has weakened my bonds with my family members to the point where I feel robotic and reclusive. I hate myself and I hate the way others look at me because of the things I’ve done (mainly dropping out). They bring up my faults in conversation without putting names to it when talking to guests, and frankly I feel like doodoo. I don’t know how to get a job, I want to get out of this situation as quickly as possible. I don’t know how though, because I’m stuck and have always been indecisive and detrimental to myself and others. I’m sorry and thank you for reading.