I just need to get all of this out....

So, it all began when I was about 10 (now 24). My parents separated after the fighting and tension between my parents became too much. I always told them I wish they would separate, I got that wish in the end.

In an effort to boot divide the family too much, my mum moved out, about 8 doors down the street. My parents became much friendlier wirh each other over time, my dad became less angry and frustrated, my mum happier that she had her own space. It was much better.

It was only about a year later when everything begins to go (badly). I didn't quite notice at the time, I recalling this from my memory with hindsight. My mum became addicted to amphetamine, I won't get into "how", but she was heavily addicted. I first noticed her strange behavior when she would be up all night long cleaning and tidying. Over time thsi cleaning and tidying developed into hoarding and constantly trying to organise the hoard. Along with constantly trying to "redecorate and fix" the house. It a was a mess.

I remember being about 13/14, at the peak of the my mums hoarding (it seemed to peak and forever stay at that peak, even now). I rember having to climb over mountains of boxes and junk to get into the kitchen, falling down and over things on the stairs to get to my room. I remeber my mum being trapped in her bedroom on several occasions as the hoard had fallen over and blocked her door. Keep in mind my mum is still addicted at this point (although denying it).

The next stage began about a year later - my mums full blown psychosis. My mum began to have delusions about bug infestations in the house. She also believed she had bugs in her skin. I would sit in my bedroom (which was clean and tidy all the time) at night night and listen to her rambling, no idea what she was saying. She would be scrubbing the walls and herself simultaneously with strong cleaner. Her skin became became so damaged that it still has not recovered today.

All of this and so SOO much more went on, untill eventually me and my mum got evicted as my mum had caused too much damage to the house.

So I moved back to my dad's house in an effort to escape my mum. Or just escape living with her. I didn't want to be without her, we did have moments of joy and happiness but they are overshadowed by the rest. I love her just as much as any child loves their mother. I still do and always will.

My mum had to find a new home, a council home. Luckily it was still very close to the rest of the family. My mum didn't work after she and my dad separated, she had been on sick benefits ever since.

When i moved back to my dad's and my mum changed house, I noticed some changes. She got off the drugs, and the years long psychosis off bugs slowly faded I obscurity. However, the hoarding continued into the new home, and she was still constantly trying to fix everything. This new home was perfect condition but she managed to find a fault in everything and break it, in order to fix it. And she has been doing this In the new home for 4 years now. My dad has had to go and fix new doors and door frames on several times, but my mum just keeps breaking them and "fixing it" herself. Ita such a bizarre cycle. I don't know why she has this need to constantly fix things.

Just under 2 years ago I moved out of my dad's to live with my partner in the city. Its bene great, but since moving here I cannot bring myself to visit my mums house. I will only see her when she is as my dad's house. My mum and dad often see each other and remain close and loving. I need to help her but I can't go there, it triggers me too much. I feel suffocated. My mums getting old now, in her mid 60s. She has many physical health problems along with mental health. It just feels like it's been "this way" forever. One day she will pass away and we (her family) will be left with sorting out everything she had hoarded over the years. Just for context, I have a brother and a sister. My brother moved out with his friend when my parents separated, my sister had a bedroom at both my mums house and dad's house, but she never really stayed at my mums. She ofdicalt gave up her bedroom at my mums after about a year. So it wa so it was only really me who "lived" through through with my mum, despite the rest of the family knowing and trying to help, they didn't live it. I did.

My life from the ages of 10 - 16 feels so incredibly hazy. I just have so many prominent horrible memories. I really struggle to remember anything good. Barring a few prominent things, I really struggle to peice together a timeline of that period of my life. It all feels so jummbled, I feel like it's given me an identity crisis. I don't know who I am.

I guess this post is about mine and my mother's relationship. My mum has never acknowledged to me that those years must have been traumatic for me, and I feel angry about that. We have a loving relationship but it's very messy.

All of this is only a grain of sand in the ocean of what my life has been and my relationship with my mum. I just feel lost. I want to help her but I can't. I love her and want to comfort her but I am so angry too.

(Edited for content by @peaceloveandpaws)