I think my mom is toxic.
I'm a happily married adult, with a very difficult mother. There's been a lot going on in my life, I'm newly married to an amazing man and that's been wonderful, unfortunately my mother seems to be having trouble letting me be my own person now that I'm out of the house and on my own. She has taken it upon herself to criticize and analyze everything me and my husband do. She's been harassing me to get a doctor's appointment (which I've been trying to do but most doctor's are booked up and it's not an important doctor visit) and got mad when I explained things were really busy and we were working on finding one. She then told me she wanted me to have an appointment by Tuesday, she told me this on a Saturday. I had a friend coming from out of state to visit on Monday. Well I didn't get an appointment, and she asked again, I told her we were handling it. I told her we had a doctor(my husband's sister recommended them) and that we were going to make an appointment after my friend left. She got upset again asking me if this doctor even had appointments available, and why couldn't I just make it now. Me and my husband decided to explain to her that we were really uncomfortable with the fact that she was being a overbearing and that we wanted some space to make our own decisions. That didn't go well. She freaked. Claiming that my husband wasn't taking my health seriously and that I should have a doctor before I become pregnant (which I am not trying to get pregnant for a while) and just all this things that we didn't say. We were telling her to "piss off" and that she wasn't an overbearing mother(we didn't actually call her an overbearing mother when we messaged her). She eventually shut down the conversation and said she was too emotional to talk. That was two nights ago, and she hasn't asked to talk about what happened since. There's been a lot of other things that had led to the talk about the doctor. She's been really hounding me for any perceived failures or not acting like an adult. Comments about my weight and how I need to lose weight if I'm going to get pregnant. That I need to clean up after myself because I'm a "grown-ass woman" who can't clean up after herself. Asking me to unload her dishwasher after me and my husband drove 4 hours to visit, and when my husband offered to do it told him that he "does too much for me." Has told my husband "make your woman get a job." Ect. She also expected me, my husband and her to get my 90 year old grandfather and take him for a visit out by where I live (he's getting too old to live alone and we wanted him closer) was upset with us for not being too thrilled to drive 6 hours there and then 6 hours back without making sure it was ok. Also if he does move out here she expects us to be his full time caregivers since he shouldn't drive anymore again without asking us if it was something we were able to do. I wouldn't mind helping my grandpa out, but I can't be over there every day cooking and cleaning for him and driving him where he needs to be every day. He has enough money to get a lot of help, but she just expects me to drop EVERYTHING and take care of him. I'm sorry for how long this is, I just needed to vent. I'm more stressed than I've ever been. I can barely think straight, and it's just not a good situation.
@lunarmoth95
I can imagine you are feeling extremely stressed out. It sounds like your mother has crossed all of your boundaries and has been pushing any button she can to get a reaction from you. It's not a good feeling to have someone invalidating your thoughts and feelings. Has she always crossed boundaries with you? If this behavior has started recently, what do you think might have caused the sudden shift? If this behavior has been ongoing, what bounderies would you like to put in place to protect your own well being? When she crosses your boundaries, are there consequences, like possibly ending the call? What advice might you give to someone who is experiencing something similar with their mom?
@lunarmoth95
That sounds really tough. Based on what you wrote, it seems like a lot of she's crossed a lot of lines. You might benefit from researching how to make boundaries. Look up the "grey rock method." It helped me a lot in dealing with my toxic family. I can of course only speak from my personal experience... and for me, it's easier to not try and tell my family if they're hurting my feelings or tell them they're doing xyc, etc. I just say "I don't need your help." "thank you for caring, but we are taking care of this." and leave it at that. I don't explain why. The moment an explanation is given is an opportunity for them to try and prove me wrong. It's hard but saves me a lot of headaches. Good luck friend. I hope it gets easier for you.