Lost on how to help a partner
I have a boyfriend who I’ve been with for 3 years now. He’s amazing, driven, smart, hilarious and caring. Everything I could want. He told me when we met that he was having some family issues and it was a touchy issue for him so I respectfully never bring it up unless he does and then it’s only to support. Every time this issue would arise again he would go into an episode I would call it. It would last a day or two with him telling me he needed a little bit of time to just do his thing. First time it happened he snapped at me but then told me why and I just said ok I understand. After a day or two he would be semi back to normal but at least communicating with me. Last week the family issue came back around but this time he had pushed me away hard. He won’t talk to me, he won’t see me and only texts me here and there. He told me he can’t talk to me without being upset. He is self loathing so hard right now. Says he wants to suffer and wallow.
Don’t get me wrong here. I’m supporting him as best as I can currently but we haven’t gone a day without talking in 3 years til now. It’s easier said than done when people say just give him space and time and take care of you. I send a text daily telling him I love him and I’m here. I even had a text conversation that seemed like he was opening up then he shut right back down. I just want to know how long to I just leave him alone? I love the man depression with him or not, that’s not what is bothering me. It’s the silence, it’s starting to take its toll and I’m feeling unloved. What do I do? I don’t even know anymore. I just needed to talk to someone cause there isn’t much support for the loved ones.
@courageousTangerine4090
Im sorry to hear. I know it's hard to just leave someone alone and give them space. Believe me I do, I've been there. But it really is the best way to support him. He knows you're there, he knows you love him. And it's okay to remind him of that. But you can't force your help onto him. And sometimes, even if you want to help, you just can't. There probably isn't anything that you can do to make it better. Besides just be patient. And be there to welcome him back with loving arms once he's ready.
As for how you feel... well, I know it's hard. I know it can feel like he doesn't care and you're unloved and it absolutely takes a toll. I get it. I myself am coming off of about a month of my partner struggling with his mental health and it was hard. He was distant and we barely talked or spent any time together. And I felt all those things too. My suggestion would be to just try to spend some time with friends or family, do things you enjoy. Try to take some time for yourself instead of being in "support mode".
Hey I know where you are coming from. I can’t really offer advice as you are more involved that I have ever been, but this type of relationship is tough. It’s tough because it’s not 50/50. Sometimes you have to give 100, and it’s draining. Hopefully he will return the favor once he’s back to himself. Hang in there.
3 years without missing a day of talking is excessive. maybe give him some space like he asks? it kind of seems like his feelings aren't being respected. we can't love people out of depression, we have to do what we can then step away. this post sounded kind of controlling and I would be careful with him because you may push him too far and be on the verge of losing your relationship. his feelings and needs matter too, not just the fact that you want to talk to him.
@courageousTangerine4090
This sounds really hard. I know because I had a recent breakup with a partner of 2 years. Normally we would text all throughout the day. It was like a little glimmer of comfort to know that he would (almost) always respond. It felt empty not having the back and forth pings and the open communication. It can feel very bad when your partner does not respond to you even if it's because they can't. I have found that meditating to a drone sound helps me when it feels really bad. Because, it is almost a physical pain. Sometimes you need to address the emotional pain as if you are sick. That's why I find meditation to be helpful, to reconnect with the universe, my purpose, who I really am, and what I really want. I really think that in this situation you need to give it time and give him space. It is too soon to know if this has anything to do with a terminal problem in your relationship. After my ex and I broke up, he came back to me. Even months later, he is still here. (And we're deciding if it's right to get back together). Your bond may be much stronger than you realize. Or, maybe it's not. Either way, you need to give him some space for a little while, and give yourself some care. I'm not saying don't ask questions...your intuition is often right (and sometimes wrong!)....just write them down, and ask later :P
@fernforest
I realize you did not say how long this is going on for and I assumed it was only a few days. If it's been a long time....well that does complicate things. At some point, it would be as if you're no longer in a relationship, and I hope you can find the strength to advocate for yourself in such a situation...for example, if he won't grant you any compromise or closure, grant yourself that closure and allow yourself to start a new chapter...
As a long term carer of 25 years, there are some concerning elements of what you have described. I understand that you love him and want to support him, but i get a sense that you have lost some of yourself along the way. This is your life too and it is equally as important and valuable. You may like to consider how much care and time you invest in your own self care.
It does concern me that he has pushed you, depressed or not...that is unacceptable behaviour and he needs to know that you won't tolerate it. It also sounds like he would benefit from some professional help and then it wouldn't all be on your shoulders. I apologise if i have perhaps told some hard truths here, but you must take care of yourself first and foremost.