Managing difficult and complicated family relationships during the holidays
Hey all,
So long story short, there is pretty bad dysfunction down both sides of my family tree. On my dad's side (where this holiday situation is relevant), no one in the family really has strong relationships with each other nor really spends much time with each other throughout the calendar year.
However, on Thanksgiving and Christmas, these people usually get together. For what it's worth, they generally put on a good social face and there isn't really any outward conflict. On the other side of the coin, though, is all of the unresolved and unspoken conflict. Some of it that's been around for decades.
For myself, I usually spend the holidays with a family that has pretty much unofficially adopted me. And I would say that that's been my solution for the last couple years. And with my background in trauma, it's pretty paramount that I minimize my time with potentially triggering people or situations.
How do you all handle these kind of difficult family relationships during the holidays?
@sereneSunset26 I can relate to you a lot. My family often gets each other gifts and my mom makes a Christmas card photo despite the family having a lot of conflicts. I'm glad you found some more positive people to spend the holidays with and support your decision in that.
I have chosen not to go home for Christmas, since I would be stuck in the house with just my parents as my brothers aren't going. It's hard because I wanted to see my aunt and cousins, but staying with my parents in a situation where I would be stuck and wouldn't be able to bring my car is just too toxic. I've asked my mom to consider counseling/marriage counseling multiple times and she has continued to be defensive and unwilling to do that. Maybe for next year I could try again to have a really big heart to heart and explain that I will only go if she and my dad start counseling and agree to respect certain boundaries, but we'll see.
For now, I am planning to do my best to make a small celebration for myself. I am cat sitting so I'll get to see furry friends and I got them some Christmas toys. I also may be able to see my boyfriend and potentially have dinner with some folks from the LGBTQ community in my city.
@Daydreamer47
Thank you for your understanding, and I can relate so much as well to what you're going through. And I feel like your decision to avoid being stuck/trapped in an untenable situation was/is a wise one; too often I feel that we neglect our own needs in the name of pleasing others.
And on this note, a therapist once told me that I was free to remove toxic people from my life--even if they happened to be family. It's obviously not an ideal situation or solution, but as you said, boundaries are not bad things. And, in fact, are healthy and necessary to reinforce and maintain relationships.
I'm currently struggling with the issue of going home for the holidays this year.
I do not want to. I've been trying to deflect any mention of it in our limited conversations. My time is not respected, and I don't see why I should waste my [limited] free time dealing with people who do not add value to my life just to keep them happy while neglecting my comfort.
I would like to cut contact, but I'm worried that if I anger them, they will physically try to find me and ruin the life I am trying to build and I don't think I'm at a secure stage in life. I'm not sure what to do about this. While I do have boundaries in place, it doesn't seem like enough.
It is not as easy as it sounds sometimes. I've had enough. I'm hoping that the beloved golden child and his girlfriend can help pacify them as I think they're somewhat aware, but also bask in the glory of being favoured and perfect. I guess I'm also kind of waiting for things to die off because that'd make everything easier.
@tealPark1424 That sounds so stressful. I definitely support your decision in not going, if you feel safe to do so. In the past, I have used work or school to as an excuse to turn down plans with my family. Ideally I would like to more directly stand up to them and express how I feel, but it works in a pinch. I felt my mom kind of tried to guilt trip me this year by saying my cousin is so upset not to see me. I responded that I had already made my decision and had an obligation to pet sit for a friend.
@Daydreamer47
Yes, using work as an excuse / lying about being busy is what I've been doing so far.
Since they don't believe that I can be busy with other things / deserve time for myself (in their words, it's not like I have kids so to them everything I say is invalid) I have to lie about working when I'm really not. In fact, Christmas Eve is technically a working day (although most people in my company take it off-- of course I don't let them know this part lol). Only golden boy can be busy, when ironically he has more than three weeks off a year.
I have to be able to lie about something that is plausibly true, but don't need to show evidence about it. If I were to say I was invited to spend the day with friends, that's plausible, but they're already hyperventilating and demanding every single detail from their names to their whole life story, and of course, gender and status so they can imagine me being in a relationship with some random person and annoy me with their stupid stories and fixations.
@tealPark1424
I echo what @Daydreamer47 said - that is beyond stressful.
It's been my experience that difficult/toxic family dynamics put us in a position where, as individuals, we really are not allowed to be ourselves (as it seems like you're experiencing and definitely understand). This was one of the more illuminating things that I learned through my recovery is that we're given a role to play instead of having the luxury to be ourselves.
You seem incredibly intelligent, understanding, and self-aware. I truly feel like these qualities will continue to aid you as you navigate this situation.