Not sure about the right thing to do

I was in an online relationship with someone I've never met and is abroad. My parents found out one day and didn't like me talking to strangers, for they have the fear of the dangers the internet can bring. To them, every single user on the internet are scammers. However, the relationship seemed balanced, plus neither me or my boyfriend did anything that could expose us to danger. The relationship was going smooth and he is the main reason I have more motivation, have been improving in school and have been understanding more about myself and my emotions. I feel emotionally safe around him. etc. I consider him a big part of my life.

My parents shouted and threatened me the day they found out, like they always do when they find out I'm doing anything they dislike. (When me and my brother were younger they used to hit us if we try to talk/fight back) I kept going back to contact my boyfriend however. I did it in secret. At that time I wanted to satisfy my parents and didn't want to let go of the relationship at the same time. Me and my boyfriend both decided together that both of us will focus and excel in academics, and to not put too much focus on the relationship to the point we're neglecting things in daily life. They found out about me still being in contact with him the second time.

Both of them told me they have decided to switch me from my current school to a poor local school near my hometown. At least that’s what they directly said. I understand that they sacrifice a lot just for me to attend the international school I'm going to which is far from where we live. Their daily routine alone makes them tired. I'd say the school I'm doing to is the best school. I've been improving a lot there, plus the staff is extremely supportive, even no judgement was given when I revealed that I was suicidal. It’s one of the only places I feel safe in. My parents said they did not want to spend effort and money on me anymore, and directly said they will be taking their love away & didn't care if I suffer in the local school. My mom also mentioned she didn’t care how good I did in academics anymore.

My parents, especially my mom expressed that they were heartbroken by my actions, my repeated rebellion. She feels that way as well because I wasn't being “truthful” to her. She wants me to open up completely to her. But the thing is I feel very unsafe emotionally around my parents. When I tried to explain this I got a response which was "Oh so you love the online stranger more than us then?". I would like to form a good relationship with my parents, I really do, but I just don't feel safe enough to do so. My mom says our relationship has a problem, and blames it on me. I feel like I’m forced to open up my emotions to them and I’m very scared of that too.

I am at fault too. I am at fault for not giving back what my parents deserve from their sacrifice.. I am at fault for not forcing myself to trust them with my emotions because they are my parents.. I am at fault for being ungrateful. I am at fault for not repressing my mood swings and expressing the frustration in front of my family. I am at fault for existing even though I did not choose this.

My mom is also blaming herself on this. She blames herself for “caring too much”, “loving us too much”, “not punishing us enough”, “being too lenient”. I always feel like a burden. I am a burden. My mom’s own children are her biggest nightmares. She said so herself. I feel like her life would be so much easier if I did not exist.

Last night, my parents demanded to video call my boyfriend. They threatened to report him to Interpol if he continues to talk to me. my mom screamed at him, accusing him of harassing an underaged girl (me) when he did not at all. My entire self went numb with anxiety that moment. I can never forget the fear in his eyes I saw from the screen. The last message I saw from his was “I have never harassed (my name)”. I wanted to thrust a knife through my throat. I wanted a bullet in my head. I wanted all this to end. What has been a threat became reality. I wanted to show my parents the fear they are making me feel. I feel horrible to make them feel so much heartbreak. But the way me and my brother were threatened was too much for me. I can’t go anywhere without feeling fear now.

Is what my parents are doing what I really deserve? What is the right thing I should do?

Apologies if it's a lot to read, it felt unbearable and had to get this off my chest.