Pandamic, online class, mother issues

My mother hit me, grab my hair and say hurtful things to me, people really scare me. I've become more timid, aloof, anxious, and panicky, yet people laugh at me for being like that.

I have a complicated relationship with my mother. She gets so happy when I do things right, and get upset when I have done some minor error, not even a big deal, she could either give advice, show support, motivate me to continue and do more, etc. but instead, she sometimes beat me, grab my head, and says that I'm stupid and useless for making mistakes. School-related or just plain hobbies, she won't allow me to do extracurricular activities because she thinks it's stupid, useless, and a waste of time and money. She wants me to do things her way, she won't allow me to express myself, I'm not allowed to get mad, upset, frustrated, be nervous, because according to her "You're just my daughter, you're under my mercy". She would sometimes blame me for not achieving much in her life, saying "you are lucky for having this much, don't ask for more and just wait till I give you something" She would compare her life to mine, saying I got it easy. but I don't think it's true. I feel like I'm in a cage, trapped, and restricted to move, like being chain inside a cage. She would tell her co-workers about our fights, mind you, she's a social worker. I can feel like they hate me, coz they think I'm an ungrateful brat, and something more. I can feel their hate, I know for sure they hate me because my mother would spill some info about it; "My co-workers think you're like this and like that blah blah blah...." "you don't smile, you look like someone suffering from big problems" She would compare me to other girls my age like "Trisha is sweet to her mother, she's nice and humble and so simple, I wish you're like her to" little did she now that Trisha doesn't go to school, she always do sleepovers and seldomly go home, her mother would sometimes approach me to ask where her daughter is! She dares to compare me to someone who's sweet and just shows up to ask for money! now at 20, she got a son. lucky she's rich and lived such a fun life while me?! I may be stupid and useless but I've been trying my very best, I literally don't sleep to read and study, my sleeping schedules in my free time in the morning. I don't eat because I don't get hungry for the amount of stress and pressure I'm having. If she thinks I'm stupid then why would she not allow me to study peacefully, she would always ask me to clean and wash the dishes, she says I'm dirty coz I don't clean the house when in fact it's her mess that she's asking me to clean up. She says that I should always be grateful because she chooses to gave birth to me when she can have me aborted. We're a complete family, my parents don't have an affair, but I think my mother got some serious childhood trauma, and she's doing it to me too, my father can't do something about it coz he's also afraid of my mother he would say "just listen, don't react, and don't mind her, just let her" what about me? what about what I feel? just because I'm a child [(20) they think I'm a child] and a student, am I not allowed to feel things? am I not allowed to get hurt? am I not allowed to want things? we're not rich, just in the middle class, we can afford things, but they want me to act like we're broke. whenever I see my low grades I get so angry, anxious, and frustrated, I've been trying my best but I see no favorable results, I would hear my mothers voices saying how stupid and useless I can be if I just stick to the course she wants me to get (I'm a freshmen respiratory therapy student, and she wants me to take up psychology, but what's the difference? I'm still stupid) I managed to get out of my mothers house by sacrificing a 1 semester of school year by not going to school, they say I'm rebelling, but i think rebelling is such a heavy word, i just want my decision to be taken into consideration, I just wanna be heard. choosing a course is such a big decision to make, and I'm not letting anyone even my mother decide for me. That will be the turning point of my life, I'm not letting anyone opinion affects me. 3 months of freedom until pandemic drags me back to my mothers house, and the cycle starts.