Realization, I guess

Once again, I am ranting on about a new epiphany I had recently. I read this book and it made me realize something that never occurred to me before. I've always struggled with expressing and or identifying my emotions and others emotions to a degree so navigating my feelings has always been a challenge. Anytime people ask how I'm doing and I'm not feeling well I'll say I'm tired. Because that's what I physically feel like, I am tired. Then they ask emotionally how do you feel and I say tired, and I don't really know to elaborate from there. However, after reading this book I noticed a lot of habits that I have that I didn't take notice of before. 

Anyway, I'm getting slightly off track here. The thing I realized recently is that I am ashamed of myself. Did I realize this before? Nope, I did not. Don't know how I didn't know I just didn't pin the feelings I was having with shame, I guess. My emotions, my fears, my limitations, I am ashamed of all it. When I get anxious or stressed my muscles tend to start spasming or jerking and that didn't exactly make people comfortable around me. It was the look of disgust that hurt the most, not concern. Not worry and not even fear. Just disgust, like they were appalled by me. By something that no mattered how hard I tried I couldn't stop or control. 

I'm ashamed to ask for help, because whenever I asked for it I was met with again looks of disgust. So, even when I reach a breaking point and break down I simply stay quiet. What's the point of asking, if all I get in return is disgusting looks and told you're being dramatic. 

I'm ashamed to admit I have limits, because limits were for the weak. If I accept my limits those eyes of disgust will follow me everywhere. They would much rather watch me die trying than claim I can't. So, that's what I've been doing. Dying from the inside out to escape all of those faces staring at me constantly. In hope to be freed and maybe even being met with smiles instead. I shoved myself in a box and tossed in the ocean because I thought I was saving myself. I thought if I simply created a new version of me and started over things would be different. Instead of suffering in public I now suffer in silence, so I guess I was wrong. 

And now, my true self is somewhere drifting at sea and I can't seem to find it. I don't really remember who I used to be, but little by little I'm piecing it together. It's hard because as of right now, I don't really see a way out. I can't leave where I am and I doubt the people making it hard for me to live there will change so the chances look slimer every day. One thing I can't do is give up, because I don't deserve this. That little kid that just wanted to have fun, but got tossed away doesn't deserve to shoved down and silenced. So, if not for anything else I gotta keep fighting for her. 

So yeah, I'm going to try to accept myself more and survive.