Should I try to have a more involved and close relationship with my father
Okay so my dad was not the best growing up, when I was little he started ignoring me in favor of watching tv when he got home from work (don’t super care about this now actually but though I might include it). He would also shout at me and my brother when he got angry, but was worse to him. But, he still had good dad moments and I believe he genuinely loves us. Later when I was 12 he moved my family to Puerto Rico (from California) for a tax incentive even though the rest of my family didn’t want to go even my mom. She just decided to move us there because my father was going and she wanted us to try it. It ended up being a pretty bad year since our school wasn’t great and my mom didn’t like Puerto Rico either. My parents started fighting that year (2018) and got divorced in June 2019 . After this we moved to New York where I live now. My dad stayed behind in Puerto Rico. In the time after this I believe he genuinely tried to improve himself. He began a new diet, and even started to realize some of his mistakes from the past and start apologizing. He still put blame on my mom for the divorce and for everything even though according to my perspective she did little to nothing wrong. My father is definitely better than he used to be, but that doesn’t mean he’s great. Because of everything I have seen with him in the past it is hard for me to want to spend time with him because I believe he will make some comment, get all rigid and force me to do something I don’t want to do (not necessarily that it will be that bad but it is still a bad feeling), or something like that. I still spend time with him and stuff like that but it is hard for me to want a super involved relationship with him and especially talk about things that really matter to me or my problems. I don’t really know what to do though because he is my father. Also, I don’t want to give you the impression that he is a completely bad guy. He is fun and loving and great a lot, it’s just that sometimes he isn’t. It just feels like I don’t even want to deal with the possibility of him doing that anymore because it is tiring just to deal with it. It is painful when it happens even if it just a small thing because of past experiences. It’s kind of funny to me because one thing that helped me realize this is when I went to a camp for 2 weeks. While I was there, I didn’t have to worry about anything like that. I had a lot of freedom to do what I wanted and nobody judged me. I also didn’t have to worry about complicated dynamics or be anxious about someone acting a certain way. I have a great relationship with my mom and brother. I hang out with my dad a little one-on-one and with the rest of my family or just my brother when he comes to New York and spend time with him on vacations. Anyway, back to the bigger question. Should I try to fix my relationship with my father or not? I am also worried that whatever I do I might regret later, even if J don’t currently want that much of a close relationship with my father. Advice please! Also sorry for writing so much.
@blueBalloon4453
I think the relationship you have with your father is going to be based on your comfort level. It sounds like you are already doing that, moving along at a pace you are comfortable with. It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to decide now. With any relationship, you can heal and build future trust over time naturally. I think your concerns about the past and how it might effect your relationship with your dad are valid. Your comfort comes first, always. Are there hobbies you and your dad have in common? Maybe doing things you both enjoy could possibly take the pressure off a bit? Have you considered setting boundaries with your dad? Maybe setting a boundary about things you don't want to talk about, like your mom and J? It's okay to say no if the subjects you dad brings up are uncomfortable.
