Torn

I’m really new to this website so I’m sorry if any of this is wrong—I can take it down right away if it’s in a bad place or anything.

My relationship with my parents is so difficult for me because I can’t go either way. Some people have beautifully loving parents who care so much for them, and they keep them as a vital part of their lives. Some people have horrible parents that they cut off for the rest of their lives. My parents are so loving and try so hard and I love them so so much, but there are some things that are just so hard.

The root of all of these problems, I think, is their status as devout evangelical Christians. My own father is the pastor of the church I am required to attend every Sunday. And every Sunday, I sit through two services, two Bible studies, and two devotions. And it’s just so much.

I love my dad, but he handed me pamphlets called “A Biblical Response to Homosexuality,” and “A Biblical Response to Transgenderism.” And it hurts. I will never come out to my parents. It would break both their hearts. And I don’t even hold any malice towards them for these beliefs, like so many can. Sometimes I wish I could, but I can’t. They were born into this religion the same way I was, just had no outlets to learn about the world outside of it. And they will live and die in this religion, I’m sure of it. That means that I am willing to sacrifice my love life for my family.

I am okay with being single forever because I love my family. But I think it’s breaking my own heart. Or something is. What I experience is best described at suicidal ideation, which means I’m not actually at risk of death. It’s more like fantasizing about the act. When I looked up symptoms of religious trauma, that was one of them, among others I experience. So I think I have some of that.

It’s not only my parents that I struggle with. I have three older sisters who are my three favorite people in the whole world. The one closest to me in age is actually non-binary, pansexual and asexual. The oldest two are more accepting, but not all the way. I will never get this one instance out of my head… I was sitting at my desk watching a silly YouTube video on the history of the Destiel ship (I know, what a pastime). My second oldest sister, who had been chill about gay relationships in the past, told me, “I know we can get a little carried away with it, but being gay is a sin.” She was so nervous to say it. I think she had to work up the courage for a good few minutes to do it. Do you understand what I mean when I say I love them? My sister didn’t want to believe that. It’s just so hard. I can’t help but have so much compassion. My gut reaction to what she said was one of the things that actually tipped me off to my queerness. I kept thinking, “why does this hurt so bad? It shouldn’t hurt this bad if it doesn’t apply to me.” I still remember what I said back: “Do you want me to turn it off?” In a slightly sarcastic voice, slightly defiant. Almost daring. I’m proud of myself for that. It was brave.

My parents are vocally against it. There are so many stories I could tell…

As you can probably see, I have a lot to work through. I would love to get actual paid therapy but I’m only a teenager and I think if I asked my parents I would get a religious service. Which, as you can probably tell, isn’t something that would help. Again, I’m new here so I’m sorry if I’m over sharing or putting it in the wrong place. I can take it down right away. Thanks for listening if you made it this far.