i dont know who else to talk this to
i barely have any friends that really care to listen to me or are available. Ive decided to just give up on the concept of being friends with people at all. So, basically, my mom is a bit of a prick and my dad is basically just a bystander to the whole thing (not only because hes in another state most of the year, its because he either never says anything or just participates). I come outta school crying one day and they force me to talk about whats wrong (not the first time they've done it) despite the fact I'm clearly uncomfortable talking to them. Then my mom just shames me for it, calling me selfish and rude. Complaining about how I stay in my room all day doing nothing but being on my phone. Like I already don't feel like shit about that. I have to wait till im at school, home alone, or in the middle of the night just to cry without her fucking bothering me or stopping me to talk about it for 30000 fucking hours. Its not like these stupid sessions of hers work anyway because we've done it a couple times before and I'm still like this so what gives? To top that, she's slightly (slightly meaning very) transphobic (im literally nonbinary *and* trans). I keep telling her im not comfortable in my own body and she just dismisses it as me "reading too much stuff on the internet" or "you *are* pretty" when no, thats just your stupid fucking opinion. Its not what you or anyone else thinks. If I think I am ugly, then im ugly. Even looking at my own fucking shadow makes me dysphoric and this bitch just passes it off like its nothing. I barely eat too. Only thing ive been eating the past few days, hell, *months* is bread shit and small mcdonalds meals. Then when I get tired of eating (and even slightly disgusted by the concept *and* get nausea when im full), she just yells at me to est or else ill get sick. I know her intentions are "good" but you yelling at me isnt going to make me want to eat more. I even ask for therapy, which I get laughed at for and it boils down to "you know what you do need? you need to go to church." Then I tell her about suicidal thoughts I'm having and you know what she says? - "If you actually were suicidal, you wouldn't be here" - "That's some white people shit." (DIRECT quote, btw Im literally black) Then she's all like, "You ok? 🥺" afterwords and by god, the son, and holy spirit, I wanted to fucking punch her lights out. I just wanna leave this stupid fuckinf household and live in a bunker where nobody can find me or something. Im sick of my mom, sick of the world, people, everything. I just wanna leave everything behind or die by some painless freak accident and I cant even have that for fucksakes.
Dear y0k0,
first of all, I see yesterday was your first day on 7cups, welcome 
we are so happy to have you here with us 
I can relate to your experience I know it is not easy at all and really really overwhelming. Not having someone to talk about all this pain is really hurtful, you don't feel understood by your friends, or you might feel like a burden to them so you start thinking that maybe you will be better on your own. I see you have a difficult situation with your parents and most of all with your mother, since you spend most of the days with her, I get why you don't feel comfortable sharing your feelings with them since whenever you open up and talk about what you are going through they start shaming you, offend you, and also judge you and not understanding at all your real feelings and also your way to cope with them (isolating yourself and staying in your room all day is your way to try "feel better" even if it makes you feel worse), making it look like your emotions are not valid, like they are not important, like it is so wrong to feel the way you feel. This also explains why you only feel really free to cry and feel what you are feeling when they are not around you, can't see you or can't hear you. But your feelings are valid, y0k0! Feelings are never wrong, you can't decide what to feel, if it was that easy everyone would be happy, but we aren't, we are humans, we are sensitive, we feel love, we feel pain, we feel hope, we feel fear, we feel gratefulness. There are so many feelings and emotions we go through, and not even one of them is unimportant.
Also the fact that your mom doesn't understand and accept how you feel about your body is really painful, it is so hard to hear others tell you what and how you should feel, and unfortunately, there is so much false information on therapy, and I am sorry that this is keeping you from getting the help that you need. It is not easy at all.
I know what you mean by "If I think I am ugly, then im ugly", it is something I have always agreed on, it doesn't only apply to beauty, but whatever bad thought you might have on yourself, it won't change just because someone says you are not, if you really feel this way, only when you will believe it yourself you will start believing her too.
It hurts me to see you are struggling to eat, and that your mom does not understand that the pain you are going through is so deep that you even think about suicide, and the way she answers is really triggering and painful.
You are going through a lot, y0k0, it is not easy at all. I am glad you are here with us and sharing your story, which I know took you a lot of effort and courage, but we are here for you now you can get in contact with a listener in 1-1 chat or you can join the chatrooms where there are a lot of members and listeners talking about different things, listening and supporting each other
I send you a lot of hugs
Reading this, I tear up and wish I could give you a hug. I myself have a horrible relationship with my parents, but mainly my mother... It seems your mom wants to help, but more in a selfish aspect. She's only thinking of herself and family appearance compared to what you need or want. (I could be wrong) I hate looking in mirrors. If I want to feel "pretty", I put on a ton of makeup just to make an attempt, but still hate my face. I'm 26 and just now finding help. I had to separate from Family to even start. I did not realize the toxicity until I cut ties. You are you. It's amazing to know you are nonbinary! And being Trans is not easy, but congratulations on being yourself. I hope you can find beauty in life and yourself. Every one is special and unique. And you can inspire others to follow their heart in finding themselves. Is there a way at school for them to help find a therapist or psychiatrist for yourself? I'm not sure your age, but I think seeing someone and talking things out could help you see how courageous and smart you are. My therapist brings up church, but that is a way to find healthy support for my life. For you, you just need someplace that accepts you and supports your decisions, wants to work with you to help you, and express feelings in a healthy way. If you need to chat, just even to vent, you can message me. I'll listen. I'm not a doctor or anything. I'm just someone who knows isolation and no family support. I'm someone who had to find the strength to better myself and seek help. Taking the step for one meeting with a doctor lead to opportunities for a better tomorrow. No one can force you to do anything. You may not have control of the world, but you have control of yourself and your responses to things. One step at a time. Small steps can make the biggest impact. Hugs