Struggling with Siblings
Quick backstory, I'm a college student and the oldest out of my siblings. My parents are more old-fashioned and don't do well with emotions. My dad works a 8-5 shift and my mom is a registered nurse that works night shifts. My two brothers has ADHD (18 - ADHD and 11 - ADD) and my sister is 12 (going through a heavy flow of emotions + hormones, since she's aging). With that, I have been just doing college and trying to help my parents with my siblings + keeping them on top of their school. As well as their things, I usually just tell my mom how things are going and more. I've recently been having a hard time working with my 12 year old sister and 18 year old brother.
My sister has been lacking behind in her class, so I try to help her with her homework and add in bits of practice. I have no clue how to help her not do I want to assume that she may have ADHD. She is smart and can do thing, she just lacks motivation. If nothing is too her benefit nor liking, she won't do it properly or in general. I do try to help her manage her workload by dividing it and setting timers for her for breaks + when to work, since she's easily overwhelmed. Thing is that she won't focus in on it and wind up staying way later trying to do her own things. I try to tell her there are times to do that and times not, especially telling her to be open with me. My base plan isn't helping, but she doesn't quite want to tell me if she does or doesn't like certain parts of it. I wind up getting frustrated myself and telling her "Well, I don't know how to help if you don't tell me." This causes her to get very emotional and upset, then she winds up self-harming.
The same about goes for my 18 year old brother. I know he gets overwhelmed easily and needs his own breaks, but he'll literally stay up in his room for about the whole day after I pick him up from school. He doesn't have the patience to help me either with my siblings and would get upset when they don't listen to him. His tone is especially rough and he gets easily frustrated. Then, he'd especially get mad when we remind him of his chores (everyone is assigned 1-3 to help with around the house). He is very prideful and stubborn himself in his ways, refusing to ask for help. Like I am literally the last option for emergencies if all of his plans don't work. He struggles with expressing his emotions as well and wind up self-harming, too. Recently, he was diagnosed with depression along with his ADHD.
I'm just feeling stuck at this rate and it doesn't help when my parents aren't well with emotions with them. Both of my 12 year old sister and 18 year old brother has major beef with my dad. It's due to the way he is with messing around with them, shoving expectations on them that he can't meet himself (we all see it, but him), and making things seem simple when there's more to it. He's very stubborn in his ways and thinks everything he's doing is right and nothing wrong with it. Then, my mom is our breadwinner and at her wit's end herself. Always tired and planning, so I don't expect much from her.
This whole thing has me frustrated and overwhelmed because I don't know how much more direct I need to be. Like I try to be open and help, but I don't know how to help when they genuinely don't say anything nor want to. It makes me feel like I'm asking for too much and can't even ask for anything. Like, I'm about ready to give up and say "Well, it's not my problem and I shouldn't care.", but I can't do that because they're my family and I'll be lying to myself. If I suggest family consulting, I know my dad for sure won't want it at all. What do I even do now? Where do I even start?
@SweetSugarBoost
ok , good you want to do family consulting but the only problem lies in the fact that people dont change because you want them to , they change when they want to or desire to, also as far being family , you do not know enough about your family , you only know what they are showing you , so need more info on your siblings , lets say your sister doesnt do things she finds interest to, thats ok , but asking how can we help is quite superficial , instead you know your sister better her a motivating factor , there must be something that your parents refused for her , use it as leverage to motivate her in sense that if you score good in your test or exam i will help you convince parents for the same."
I know that and do try do remind myself that not everything canbe changed nor controlled. I did try something similar before though to try to help with her motivation, but she winded up getting frustrated and overwhelming herself in the process. I told her that if she did well to at least maintain her B or do well on her class then, I'd get her the stuff animals and material she wanted on Amazon. I do try to sit down and talk with her, but she always tries to change the subject of it.
@SweetSugarBoost
thats ok , in a way she did tell you that she is not able to maintain her decision or maybe dosent want to , its possible that either she lacks a timetable where she dosent know what to do daily or she dosent know the consequences of getting a bad grade . i only ask you how does the mechanics work in your home or school if a child gets a bad grade , is parent informed or do parents have enough time to take action on that . what are the boundaries that is set by parents for children . like when i was about your sisters age , i had only a tv, console and my computer to play games but there was no mobile then . i was allowed at max 1.5 hours of screening time . at times when my marks decreased in a subject i was bound to attend tution for a subject which took away my once free time ." are there any such consequences at your home. do not take all responsibilities on yourself and for now only observe from a distance what each of your sibling , you can also choose to inform them that you are available if they need help if you can but if they create a huge mess they are supposed to clean up themselves . like getting a bad grade in 1 year is a huge mess, dont you think?
We do tell her that it would be a bummer to be held back from her friends. She is keeping away from D's because she is in 6th grade and wants to take part in activities. My parents do try to stay steady with their consequences and it does lie within taking away electronics. That doesn't seem to do much though because my sister genuinely cares less and would just go onto doing art n crafts. My dad did think of literally cutting off all screentime during the week, only leaving TV, and having them only have screentime on Friday-Sunday during school weeks at a time. I'm not sure if that would be as effective onto my siblings though because they will be very bitter about it through that week and say it's all my dad's fault with all the fun stuff.
Homework time wise, I do usually let my siblings (12 and 18) do about whatever with their homework then just check in with me to look over their work and that they're done before giving them the green light for screentime. Mostly I do that because my 11 year old brother requires a lot of help, so I'm sitting by him during homework time as I do my own assignments myself. I tell them to do whatever they can and then wait until I help the youngest with his before I help assist.
@SweetSugarBoost this is such a difficult situation, and I'm so sorry you are going through this. There are so many things wrong with this situation, and it should not be on your shoulders to bear. Also, my reply may seem a little harsh to you in the methods of my suggestions, but I myself have ADHD, so my replies are coming from place of lived experience and a neurodivergent brain.
1. You will not like what I'm about to tell you, but the problem is, they lack parental discipline. That's a thing you can not do, an authority struggle your parents failed, even if it was not intentional on their part. Children have a certain timeline of how much discipline Vs freedom they need growing up at different life stages, and if your parents failed this, even without any bad intentions, they will have some sort of problem with the parent-kid relationship and the kids behaviour. This is not up to you to fix.
2. It seems like there is a lot of babying going on. I would suggest you stop trying to help your 18 years old brother. It is very understandable that you want to do your best to support him, but he is an adult now, and it is understandable if he wants to figure things out on his own. Let him come to you when he needs, but otherwise, you can totally drop it. He is an adult and he should be responsible for managing himself. If he fails to do so, he needs to have his own motivation to change, sadly, there is nothing you can do to help. Rather then trying to replace a parent, be more of his friend. As for the undone chores, depends how long he is procrastinating on them. If he will do them later, no need to remind him. If he will not, there should be a negative consequence set by your parents or a natural consequence (for example you didn't put your laundry in the laundry basket, instead left it around the house, it will not get washed and you will not have clean clothes) Dishes are not done for no reason other then he didn't want to? Guess who will not have the new WiFi password. That's again not something for you to fix, but for your parents to step it up.
3. Noone likes to be told what to do, especially not people with ADHD. We get overwhelmed fast, and have to deal with our own brains 24/7. It can get very irritating if someone adds to it, even in good faith. Your sister is old enough at 12 to be slowly transitioning into the next stage of growing up. We also learn by negative consequences. I would suggest a hands down approach for her as well. Not fully, since she is still a child, but maybe it would be a good idea to make a deal of letting her self manage her homework and tasks for a week and see how she does. If she only doesn't do schoolwork properly and does it well enough to pass but there are no other issues, I would personally let it go. Genuinely. Noone ever asked me what grades I had at 13. Noone even cares about my highschool either, despite how hard I tried. Went out of the door the last time, haven't been asked a single time about how my grades were, and I went to a specialisation that I would believe people would want to know how I passed certain specialised subjects. Not a single soul ever asked or cared, even going as far as not caring about my certificate I got there. So unless she has a dream of going to a college where she needs it like medical or law, let her try to figure it out. Maybe letting her have a week of trial time would be an interesting experiment to try out. Also, let her know that you will be giving her this week, and that she is welcome to come to you and ask for help if she needs it. If she comes to you for help, help her with what she needs and then let her self manage again. If she fails something and comes to complain, shrug by telling her well it was your responsibility to manage it this week. You didn't do this, and that has a consequence. What can you do next time so it won't happen again?
Second option is making a deal with her to choose a focus (for example she has a dream of being a vet, so she will be focusing on biology, chemistry, and she will excel in it, the rest is enough to pass)
4. People don't change when you want them to, they need to want it themselves. Unless they do, there is nothing you can do about it.
5. As for the sh, people who do it often do it as an unhealthy coping mechanism, simply because the pain helps them manage the emotional one they feel. A lot of sources suggest to not try to make them to stop or make them feel guilty for it. Instead, focus on getting them professional help if you have the option to, or focus on building healthy coping mechanisms instead.
6. I feel this setup is not healthy for you at all. I don't know about your age or situation, but there are so many cases of people who have been so involved in a stand in role in their family that they never got to live their own lives and suddenly, they were 50 and still at home, when they are again at age of their parents being elderly and needing care. I would suggest for you to slowly start to build your own life. Go out with friends a little. Study, work, do what you wanted and slowly make plans to move out if you can. It would be way healthier for you to remove yourself from the situation and build your own life. You can still help out a bit, but you should do it because you want to, not because being emotionally blackmailed into it by sh. Sure, your parents will probably not like it. But it is not your responsibility to clean up the mess they made, no matter how unintentional it was.
I hope things will work out for you, this is an extremely difficult situation, and I really wish you to find happiness and balance in life.
Also, you can consult a child psychologist if you need some extra help with your sister, it may get you some interesting insights
It wasn't harsh at all, but real and what I did need. My parents do step into their role (mostly my mom's efforts works best, since she's able to empathize with them better than my dad). I have been pulling away and cutting loose on my brother.
Lately, he doesn't quite like that, specially knowing that I side my parents most of the time for his procastination. Downside is he struggles to handle the consequences of his actions at times as well causing him to self-harming (saying that after the last time my dad did turn off his internet + data because he wasn't helping for the whole week and lied about having homework). He'd then rant to me that it's always my dad's fault and I'd give him a whole analysis of the situation. Like I get that dad did come off like an *** (due to fustration and exhaustion), but we told you to take out the trash before washing up and you know that you're supposed to.
As for my sister, we did grant a good 1h - 1.3h break with snacks and screen time before it's time got homework (based on the schedule/plan my parents did set). She knows when homework time is, but would try to drag screen time on. I do like that suggestion you gave to just let her try to handle a week by herself. I was thinking of just having her do that with mind that bedtime is at 8:45 (9 being the latest).
Onto sh, I have tried lately to gently suggest it to them that those individuals are there to help and may connect to them way better than I do. They are there to help and even help them learn more about themselves. Suggesting other outlets hasn't helped them much either like using rubberbands instead.
On my end, I do agree with that and I have been telling myself that I do need to step back from this to not get myself this worked up. I guess I do get a bit worried about how things may run when my siblings are just all together on their own like that, since I've almost always been left to watch them + ensure everything runs alright. I've been getting a bit harsher when they do come to me with things because most I say now is "It's a you problem if you're not asking for help and doing things you know you're not supposed to then getting in trouble for it.".
I genuinely appreciate it and it did broaden my views to certain aspects. I realized that I really do need to step back to not enable them and to grant them their own opportunity to step out to grow independent. Bit by bit, I'll talk to each of them and give reminders into it. I hope that same as well that things do get better along the way and within time.